Whoorlito is a Genius

Most mothers out there would probably agree that feeling the baby’s first movements in the womb can be a tad confusing. According to the experts, a pregnant woman will start to feel her baby’s first movements somewhere in between 16 and 20 weeks. These movements are often described as a “quickening”, “fluttering” or “popcorn popping”. For first-time moms, it can take a little longer to recognize these movements because they can feel extremely similar to gas bubbles or generalized tummy rumbling. When learning this information, I came to the speedy realization that I was screwed in the “feeling the baby move” department. As a diagnosed IBS sufferer, I have a LOT of “tummy rumbling”. In fact, if my stomach isn’t making weird noises or “shifting gears” (as I like to call it), something is off.

A couple of weeks ago (around my 16-week point), I started to pay closer attention to the sensations in my stomach. Quite frankly, it was maddening trying to distinguish what in the hell was going on down there. Is that gas? Is my Chipotle burrito digesting? Or could that be the baby? WHO THE HELL KNOWS!! I resigned myself to the “When it happens, it happens” mantra and gave up.

Well, this week I have definitely felt the fluttering and I must admit it is so exciting/strange/bizarrorama. But nothing prepared me for the flash of genius I experienced last night. As I plopped down on the couch to watch American Idol, the television volume was pretty loud. Has anyone else noticed that FOX is SO MUCH LOUDER than other channels? IS it just AI? Whatever. Anyway, the AI theme song came on and HIIIII YA! Whoorlito kicked! And it felt exactly like the whole “popcorn popping” sensation I had read about. Holy hell, my child has exceptional taste when it comes to television programming.

D and I are off to an ultrasound appointment, but check out some of the goodies Whoorlito’s fabulous grandmother bought him on our shopping bonanza. Spoiled rotten, I must admit.

Olympic Opening Ceremony or Rousing Tribute to Disco?

You decide.

Did you see the Parade of Athletes last night? I tried my hardest to focus on the individual athletes and comradery, but my brain couldn’t get past the music. Why the American Disco? Are these songs just becoming popular in Torino? Did the Olympic Committee brainstorm for months, only to decide that American disco music could bring the world back together? Many, many questions…

Not that I’m complaining, Olympic Committee. I’m sure the athletes enjoyed walking to the likes of YMCA, Hot Stuff, Disco Inferno and Shake Your Booty. I’m sure Iran very much relished strutting their stuff to Funkytown. I even think I may have heard a little Video Killed The Radio Star while Mongolia made their appearance. Video Killed The Radio Star? Way to think outside of the box, Torino! I can just envision the committee’s heated discussions…”We won’t be pigeon-holed by 1970’s disco! Hell no! We’re modern citizens! We will include mid-80’s music just to throw the world citizens for a loop. Take that!”

And their plan worked. I almost lost my shit when I heard Dreams by Van Halen. I mean, that’s 1986, people! How’d that one slip in?

Those crazy Italians.

Wondering…

When will the REAL American Idol start? I’m so tired of watching losers do their thing.

Am I destined to use this old ratty broken-screen iBook forever since I spilled half a glass of water on my brand new beautiful Powerbook yesterday and I am not allowed to turn it on for 24 more hours according to a very helpful genius at the The Genius Bar? Do you understand the suspense of waiting 48 hours to turn on your computer to see if it MIGHT have survived a major water spill? And the ramifications of ruining a $2,000 laptop? All because your STUPID ELBOW KNOCKED OVER THE GLASS OF WATER THAT YOU HAD TO HAVE ON YOUR DESK BECAUSE YOUR SHITTY PREGNANCY-INDUCED HEADACHES ARE SUPPOSED TO RESPOND TO DRINKING A GALLON OF WATER A DAY?

Am I going to catch every single cold virus that is circulating in Orange County this season?

Is Daniel going to win on Project Runway? Because I have a crush. BIG crush. I’ll be his little orchid muse anyday.

Should I tell you the sex of my baby since I have known for over a week and it’s killing me but the ultrasound was really early so I want to make sure? Even though the tech and nurses were all willing to bet money on the fact that IT IS SOOOO A <<<>>>? I was going to post my new ultrasounds for you all to see for yourselves, but they are held hostage on my Powerbook. And we all understand that won’t happen for 24 MORE HOURS if it happens at all. Oh pleeeeeeease let my laptop be OK.

Are the 80’s Making a Comeback?

I have only bought two books about pregnancy, The Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy and The Pregnancy Journal. That’s enough for me. Girlfriends Guide is cute, but I get really distracted and bored after about 5 minutes. I’m just the type of person that wants answers to what is plaguing me at the moment; I don’t really care to read about things that aren’t happening to me personally. Mainly, because a) um, they aren’t happening to me and b) sometimes my scary hypochondriac mind starts to think that maybe those things ARE happening to me. And that is not good. Not to mention counter-productive.

So, I have really enjoyed The Pregnancy Journal. Essentially, it is a day-to-day guide and journal for ladies with buns in the oven. I really appreciate the concise daily information about the growth of my baby and what it means to me. For instance, yesterday’s blurb was:

The hard, bony part of the baby’s palate is now completely formed. The bony plate divides the mouth from the nose and makes it possible for your baby to eat and breathe simultaneously. The muscles in the walls of the digestive tract have become functional and are beginning to practice the contractions they will make when they have food to digest. Your baby’s growth rate has slowed somewhat. It has doubled its weight in the last week to almost 1/2 ounce; its length has increased to 2 1/2 inches.

This type of information is perfect for me, plus it’s coupled with interesting food facts and health information. So, yeah, I really like this book.

This morning, I opened it up with a little more excitement than usual because today marks the first day of my second trimester. Woohoo! I had a feeling today’s blurb might be a little special.

Instead, I read something about kidney nephrons and this:

Take care to wear comfortable clothes that don’t restrict movement or inadvertently cut off your circulation. If you are not quite ready to wear maternity clothing yet, select transitional styles, such as loose sweaters and stretch leggings.

STRETCH leggings? Stretch LEGGINGS? Why in the hell would I want to wear stretch leggings? Just those words conjur up visions of big hair, Ray Ban Wayfarers and bright fuschia stirrup pants (with white socks underneath the stirrups and tan huaraches). I’m already feeling poochy and fat considering I’m in the “in-between” phase (or the “ass-ugly” phase, as I prefer to call it). I’m not so sure stretch leggings and an oversized sweater are going to boost my self-confidence right now.

Who is this author? More importantly, when was this book written? I checked the info, and it was published in 1996! And revised in 2005! Were stretch leggings acceptable in 1996? Let’s see, I was graduating from college that year, and the answer is a resounding NO. I was watching movies like Fargo, Jerry Maguire and the English Patient. I was listening to Beck Odelay and Boys for Pele by Tori Amos. And, OK FINE, I was listening to Gangsta’s Paradise by Coolio. Whatever.

My point (and I do have one) is that stretch leggings were not appropriate in 1996 nor in 2006. And especially not appropriate for pregnant women EVER.

PREGNANT WOMEN OF THE WORLD, UNITE!

Pregnancy Brian (brian, brain…whatever)

Are you aware of the term “pregnancy brain” or “baby on the brain”? It’s a term I’ve heard about but really haven’t pursued because frankly, there are much more important issues to educate yourself on regarding pregnancy. For example, what kind of non-alcoholic beer is the tastiest. Prior to getting knocked up, I really wasn’t a subscriber to the theory that such a dramatic increase of pregnancy hormones could cause some sort of cognitive decline (aka crazy stupid pregnant lady syndrome). I mean, C’MON LADIES, QUIT PRETENDING YOU ARE SO DENSE JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A FETUS IN YOUR UTERUS. Well, once again, I have been proven so very wrong. I should have recognized some sort of cognitive decline unfolding when today’s blog attempt looked something like this:

Hi, I am whoorl. I have a baby in my belly. I like Yoplait whips for breakfast. They are tasty, especially the raspberry mousse flavor. Sometimes my tummy hurts. I think it’s funny when my husband sings out loud. Heehee. Bye for now!

Houston, we have a problem.

It got me thinking (which really isn’t saying much). Did this “pregnancy brain” phenomenon happen overnight? Have I been doing incredibly moronic things for the past 2 months and not putting two-and-two together? Hmmmm. Interesting. So I dove into my cerebral cortex, searching for any evidence*. And guess what? I found some.

PB Exhibit #1 - The glasses incident.

PB Exhibit #2 - The evening after the glasses incident, D and I went grocery shopping. We returned home, unloaded the groceries, watched some tube and hit the sack. The next morning, while trying to leave for work, I realized I misplaced the keys to my car. After thirty minutes of stomping around the house, muttering under my breath, D found them. They had been sitting in the lock on the outside of the door where I had left them the night before after returning from the grocery store. Oh please, scary burglar, please break into our house. I’ve left the keys on the door so you don’t have to use force! Woot!

PB Exhibit #3 - I don’t know why my glasses are such an issue, but several times I have found them sitting with my folded wool sweaters in my closet.

PB Exhibit #4 - Wait, screw this. As I typed this entry, I asked my husband simple questions about verbiage and vocabulary, and he couldn’t come up with one lousy answer to my questions. Can husbands of pregnant women develop pregnancy brain, too?

Now, that’s an interesting theory…

* it took me over 6 minutes, staring blankly at my computer screen, to come up with the word “evidence”

A Call To Action

Fellow bloggers, do you have friends/family members who still don’t fess up to reading your blog? People who don’t blog themselves and don’t realize the information we receive about our readers?

Would these people just cringe knowing that we see HOW MANY times they visit us daily?

Frankly, I’m tickled pink.

To my peeps out there - yes, you know who you are. I dare you to comment. DOUBLE-DOG DARE. I mean, c’mon, that’s the Cadillac (or Porsche, if you will) of all dares. How could you not?

Tiggos

I wasn’t blessed with an ample bosom, so feel free to enlighten me.

Do ladies really wear bras like this?

« Previous Page — Next Page »