Performance Art 2007 - Shut Down

There will be no von Whoorlie Family Performance Art this year during our annual Spring pilgrimage to Santa Fe. While my father and I might perform the infamous Endless Love duet, my mom and The Magnate might shake a tail feather to some Motown oldies, my sister Lala will not be part of the massive drink-a-thon because she done got knocked up.

Can you BELIEVE the audacity? Two years in row, the whoorlie sisters have put a stop to the performance art! No more Britney escapades, no more re-acquainting ourselves with NSYNC dance moves (via a VHS tape from 1994), no more karaoke…WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

This year, I will have the pleasure of joining the cool club, while Lala will be the lonely outcast, partaking in a lot of this.

Well, there’s always 2008.

Wito’s going to be a cousin! Congrats to Lala and The Magnate!

A Half-Assed Attempt of Whoorlito’s Birth Story

August 3, 2006

9:00am - D and I had our third appointment with Maternal Diagnostics to check on my amniotic fluid issues. We were pretty sure we would receive the same news as the prior visits, but for some reason we decided to pack our hospital bags in the car this time. Oooh, the foreshadowing…

10:00am - The Diagnostics nurse informed us that my fluid level was a 2.5 and to call my parents to make sure they were on their way. It was time. YEE HAW.

10:30am - Admitted to Labor and Delivery. Our room was pretty damn amazing and the view was beautiful even on a cloudy day. I got some ice chips to munch on- turns out I had ice chips for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and the next morning’s breakfast. Looking back, why did I only eat a piece of toast for breakfast? Total bullshit.

11:00am - Pitocin was started through my IV. Oh, have I mentioned that my Pregnancy Trinity of Phobias included Pitocin, Episiotomies and Cord Entanglement? Pitocin? Check.

1:00pm - La la la. I am bored. Contractions are for sissies. What’s that you say? Time to break my water? Okie dokie, artichokie. The nurse informed me that an OB was on the floor and he would break my water shortly. As most of you remember, I know all of the obstetricians who work at the hospital through my job. I looked at D and wondered whom the OB was going to be just as he sauntered through the door. Dr. Biggie Thick Man Hands at your service. Honestly, I joke about this man’s hands all the time at work. HUGE HANDS. HUGE FINGERS.

There are probably 50 obstetricians with privileges at this specific hospital and I had to get Dr. Biggie Thick Man Hands. This was probably one of the most uncomfortable moments of the day. I was only dilated 2 centimeters and he couldn’t get the water to break. Plus, he was trying to get the fetal scalp monitor on Wito’s scalp which involved biggie man hand manipulation to the tenth degree. OUCH.

1:30pm - GUSH. BIG GUSH. Now, this was interesting. Turns out I had plenty of amniotic fluid. It was just hiding out behind the baby, and the ultrasound tech couldn’t find it. I probably soaked through ten big towels…even the nurses were joking about the massive amount of fluid. Um, so now I had just realized that the induction WITH PITOCIN A WEEK EARLY was probably completely unnecessary. Sweet. Well, there was no stopping us now.

2:00pm - Lunchtime consisted of a cherry-flavored popsicle. I hate cherry popsicles, but hell, it was better than ice chips.

3:00pm - Okay, contractions aren’t for sissies. Ouch.

3:00pm - 6:00pm - Ouch. Breathe deep. Center yourself. Mother fucker.

6:30pm - Dr. Epidural arrives. Love, love, loved him.

7:00pm - Excuse me, aren’t I supposed to be able to wiggle my toes? Because I can’t wiggle my toes and my leg feels like it is gigantic swollen bratwurst.

7:00pm - 2:00am - Wow, those sure look like big contractions on the monitor. I bet those would hurt- lucky me I had Dr. Epidural. I want to lick you, Dr. Epidural!

August 4, 2006

2:00am - The nurse reminds me to get some sleep while she is putting a big, uncomfortable oxygen mask on my face. Lady, you try getting some sleep with a big plastic mask blowing residual oxygen in your eyeballs and a blood pressure cuff automatically squeezing your arm off every 30 minutes. Oooh, I’m SO relaxed and sleepy.

2:30am - The nurse arrives. She informs me that I have now been on Pitocin for nearly 16 hours and at the maximum dose for quite awhile. I am currently dilated to 3 centimeters. 3 SHITTY CENTIMETERS. She informs me that they are stopping the Pitocin for an hour, re-starting at half the dose at 4am, and if I don’t respond in a couple of hours, it’s C-section time. At this point, I was so ready to get the baby OUT. I figured a C-section would be in my near future.

4am - Pitocin break was over. Start it up again.

6am - I was dilated to 8 centimeters! THANK YOU SWEET JEBUS!

7am- 9 centimeters!

7:30am - Almost 10 centimeters, except for some damn cervical lip thingy that won’t budge. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, OPEN SESAME!!

8am - Time to push. The nurse promises me that I will have a baby in my arms by 9:00. Commence pushing.

9am - Still pushing. My brain feels like it is going to explode. I keep glancing at Wolf Blitzer on the television- does he have an identical twin? I am literally seeing double from the non-stop pushing. This is when the nurse makes the comment, “You have a such a small pelvis! Did your doctor mention this?”

Um, no.

10:00am - Still pushing. I was literally at the end of my rope- two solid hours of pushing and nothing. I could feel his little head, but apparently, it was stuck behind my pelvic bone.

I can honestly say this moment was the most hopeless and helpless I have ever felt. Everyone had come to the realization that he wasn’t coming out by pushing alone. My doctor informed me I had two choices, C-section or vacuum assistance. I took one look at her and told her LIKE HELL I was going to have a C-section after 24 hours of labor (of course, in my very polite whoorl way). So, vacuum it was.

After 8 minutes of pushing and vacuum assistance, little Wito was born. Unfortunately, he had his cord wrapped tightly around his neck and every time the OB tried to suck him out, the cord pulled tighter and tighter. It was like a war between the cord and the vacuum and little Wito was the innocent bystander. Oh, and cord entanglement? Check.

The next couple of hours were a true blur…all I recall was not hearing him cry and wondering why, 10 people in my room standing around him talking in hushed tones and a neonatologist explaining the risks of a blood transfusion to me while I was being stitched up. Episiotomy? Hell no. TAKE THAT OH HOLY TRINITY OF PREGNANCY PHOBIAS! DENIED! BOOM SHAKALAKA!

Then a nurse brought him to me, let me kiss him on the cheek and whisked him away to the NICU. And that was that- I didn’t even get to look at his sweet face for more than 5 seconds.

The following hours were filled with a lot of crying and praying while waiting for the epidural to wear off so I could be wheeled up to the NICU to see him. Luckily, D was allowed to see him after an hour and called to let me know he was doing okay. Those five days in the NICU seemed to last forever, but Wito grew stronger every minute of every day.

And now he’s a champ.

The end.

Here We Go

We are getting ready to leave for the hospital for my testing. Judging by the fact that we spent a decent amount of time preparing for the induction and packing the hospital bags in the car, I’m pretty sure I WON’T be induced today. I’ll keep you posted.

Just Skirting By

I just got back from Maternal Diagnostics where my amniotic fluid had dropped from a 5.86 to 5.73, but still above the dreaded 5.0 induction baseline. Thank goodness- I’m just not ready to be induced yet. The printout did show 4 contractions during the test, though.

Oh, and this weekend? The orders to rest and drink fluids? Yeah, that turned into a 9-hour car-shopping bonanza in Los Angeles yesterday. I KNOW! I’M STUPID! But we got a really pretty car! And I drank lots of water!

My next test will be on Thursday morning. Until then, fluids and bonbons on the couch. I PROMISE!

Whoorlito says Ciao!

Master Detective Status Achieved

In what can only be described as pure genius, I have solved Mystery Case Files: Huntsville and now possess the key to the city.

Too bad it’s only 9:00am on Friday and I still have PLENTY of time left until Monday morning.

Well, I guess I can always try to beat my previous time…

…and what’s up with these jackass weathermen repeatedly talking about the “cooldown” on the coast? Those lying sacks of shit said the high today was going to be 73 degrees. Newsflash, my outside thermometer reads 83 degrees at 9:24am in the shade. 9:24 AM PEOPLE! IT’S GOING TO BE AT LEAST 90 TODAY! I’M LOSING MY MIND! IT’S STILL HOT, HUMID and NO BREEZE!

ASSHOLES. It’a a good thing I don’t own a gun.

Whoorlito Update - Will You Give the Gal Some Fluids Already?

I’m back from my 38-week appointment which somehow morphed from an average 45-minute trip to a 4-hour jaunt to Maternal Diagnostics at my hospital.

Phew!

My physician noticed my uterine measurements were a little behind schedule for my due date (aha! - that might explain all of the “your belly is too small to be due that quickly!” comments). That coupled with a slight decrease in Whoorlito’s movements yesterday was all it took for me to be on my merry way over the the hospital. Honestly, I really wasn’t nervous at all- even my practictioner told me the testing was probably overkill, but better to be safe than sorry…

D and I checked into the center where they strapped all the fetal monitors across my belly, and Whoorlito was a champ. Heartrate was perfect, movements were all over the place, and they said everything looked great. They assured me that I had a very healthy baby and that I could go after they gave me a quick ultrasound measuring my amniotic fluid.

Yeah, it seems I don’t have a plethora of that. When they told me I had an Amniotic Fluid Index of 5.86, I said GREAT…wait, what does that mean? They informed me that anything 5.0 or below warranted an immediate trip to Labor and Delivery for an induction.

Excuse me? I was 0.86 somethings away from having a baby TODAY?!? Holy shit on a stick.

Anyway, I am now under orders to literally not do anything until Monday morning when I will be re-tested. That and drink 5,789 gallons of fluid a day. No errands, no leaving the house, etc. Basically, nothing that could make me sweat or lose fluids in the slightest. UM, I live in a town where the average July high temperature is 70 degrees, yet we have seen temperatures in the 90’s for over a week. UM, I don’t have air-conditioning. Walking from the bedroom to the bathroom makes me sweat. Thinking too hard about a subject makes me sweat. Hell, talking on the phone makes me sweat.

This is going to be tougher than I thought.

Plus, SAJ and I had plans to go shopping and zip around town in her super duper stealthy-mobile today! Damn!

If you need me, I will be tucked away in the bedroom with the window unit for the next three days. Party.

WAIT! How about some great news? Whoorlito is 6 pounds, 10 ounces and is the cutest thing I have ever seen. I watched him smile while trying to stuff his entire fist into his mouth repeatedly. That’s my boy.

Detective Whoorl

Well, you would think I would be a posting fool due to my maternity leave and wicked organizational skills.

Sorry, Charlies. I have a new love in my life, and it’s called…wait, what’s it called…oh yeah…Mystery Case Files: Huntsville.

I love you Mystery Case Files: Huntsville. No more maternity leave boredom for me because I am solving crimes, yo. I came upon this earthly delight when I was playing The World Series of Pop Culture on VH1’s gaming website. Which, by the way, SERIOUSLY. I know the answer to every question on that show. I need to be on that show.

I could win that damn show hands-down, and I can’t believe Molly was this close to strutting her stuff in front of the cameras. MOLLY! WHY MUST WE LIVE ON OPPOSITE COASTS? WHY COULDN’T I BE ON YOUR TEAM? WE WOULD HAVE RULED THE POPOSPHERE!

Anyhoo, just gaming on the VH1 website last night (yeah, I’m now officially a “gamer” according to my husband…who most definitely HATES my involvement with Mystery Case Files: Huntsville), and I noticed this game. It’s like a timed Where’s Waldo and jigsaw puzzle combined. I am so in love- I even bought the full version for $19.99.

Check this out, I can’t really go into details because I am a full-on investigator and Huntsville needs me STAT, but this is the deal. You have to find certain items in a seriously-crowded room full of shit.

Here’s what a room looks like…

And another…

And basically, it’s keeping my Whoorlito impatience and boredom at bay. Not to mention, I’m a sleuth*, people. Do you know what that means? Yeah, well I don’t either. But I do know that there are 7 rankings below a sleuth. So um, basically, I’m an astonishing genius. I’m on FUEGO!

Who needs BlogHer when I’ve got the town of Huntsville counting on me?

Oh, so you don’t care so much about Huntsville? You’re just here for Whoorlito? Well, my next Whoorlito appointment is tomorrow morning. Updates will follow IF I can pull myself away from my detective duties. Peace.

*I’ve now been promoted to Shadow Master. How intriguing am I?

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