Since it’s Valentine’s Day, I hope you will allow me to wax poetic on relationships for a bit.
I mentioned that one of my 2012 resolutions was to rid myself of toxic relationships. I wrote about disingenuous and pot-stirring ones, but what about the relationships that always seem to bring you down? The friendships in which you don’t feel comfortable sharing happy news for fear of the negative reaction coming your way? Whether it be blatant negativity or passive aggressive jabs, it seems that we all have people like this in our life. My question to you is, WHY are these people in our life?
My wise parents taught me at a very young age that these kind of interactions are rarely about the recipient. When I would come home from school, upset about a mean-spirited statement, they would always say, “It’s not about you, it’s about them.” There could be a myriad of reasons why a person would want to rain on your parade, but it’s very, very rarely about you. My parents have branded that into my psyche. Hurtful jabs really don’t have that much to do with you.
As I’ve grown up, I’ve always kept that in the back of my mind, but in a way, it has allowed me to make apologies for this behavior. “Oh, he/she didn’t mean it, they are just having a rough time, ” or “They are dealing with some deeply-rooted insecurities regarding the issue” are some things I tell myself when I’m the recipient of such jabs. But you know what? I shouldn’t be making excuses for it. Hurtful, mean-spirited comments from a “friend” are hurtful and mean-spirited. Period, end of story.
One of the most important gifts you could ever give is to “lift your friends higher.” When something wonderful is happening to a friend, I want to be their #1 supporter, and on the flip side, nothing makes me happier than to share good news with a friend who celebrates with me. I can’t get over how many smart, talented and beautiful women (and men!) I have the pleasure to call friends. It’s insane, really. So many people doing such amazing things with their lives, and I feel so grateful when I can be a personal witness.
So! I have a couple of things to ask of you. If you are dealing with this kind of negativity from a friend, ask yourself, “is it worth it?” If you are constantly pumping positivity into a relationship, but only receiving negativity in return, maybe it’s time to reevaluate. You guys, if I’ve learned anything over the past few years, it’s that today could be your last. We’re only here once. This is it. Make every day your best. Lift people higher.
(I truly don’t know where all this motivational speaker biznass is coming from, but let’s roll with it, peeps!)
Here’s the most important part. I think, due to the above-mentioned negative behavior, that many of us tend to keep quiet about our achievements. I can’t even tell you how many times, when asked about a recent accomplishment, I look down at my feet and kick imaginary dirt, muttering something about being lucky or “I don’t know how it happened.” Well, on this lovely Valentine’s day, let’s change that. I want to hear about an accomplishment that YOU are proud of achieving – no self-deprecation, no kicking the dirt, just straight up pride, folks. It could be anything from emptying the dishwasher three nights in a row to winning a Pulitzer. Professional or personal, whatever.
Here, I’ll start. Deep breath.
Hi, I’m Sarah and I am PROUD of the hard work and consistent focus that I have put into writing my blogs for the past seven years. I know that the amazing opportunities coming my way are not luck, but a direct reflection of that commitment and focus.
Damn, that felt good! Now, it’s your turn. Don’t be shy, you guys. Reading these comments will make my week!
Ok, THANK YOU! I am about to bust over here. Guess what my husband did? He got an amazing deal and bought his dream car, a Shelby Cobra Mustang! He made me come and test drive it and would not do the deal unless I gave him the green light. Maybe it was Whitney Houston, but rather than think of every reason why he didn’t NEED it, I said, as long as we can afford it and it’s what you want, life’s too short, GO FOR IT! It made it all the more rediculous that we’re standing there thinking this over with our 4, 2 and 11 month old in tow. Berestain Bears meets The Fast and the Furious. We’re going to have to have a babysitter just to drive in the car together. It’s not like we can leave ONE of the kids at home. This car is not me. Although it is fun to drive, it’s definitely more of a man’s car. It is the loudes550 horsepower, it’s brightest color blue that you have ever seen, but you know what? He loves it and he works hard for his money and if that’s what he/we wants to spend it on… So as uncomfortable as it makes me to say it, I’m proud that I’m in a relationship where I can just be happy for him. I could have gone on automatic bitter bitchy wife pilot and said, “wth? are you kidding me? NO.” It was an inadvertent surprise Valentines Day gift. I love him. I REALLY love him! But as for telling anyone…I cringe. Can’t do it.So thanks for the release.
And one more…if I may. On Feb. 28th, I well have breast fed my third baby for one year. I never get the feeling that anyone wants to hear that, but I am proud. Proud and thankful that I could give him that. And sad that this will be my last weeks of that special time with him. I’ll even duck and cover my head and say I’ve only had to buy three cans of formula the entire time. Probably part of the reason why we can afford the car! ;-) Thanks Sarah! This felt awesome. You are the real deal. I always scroooooll alllll the way down my Reader list to see if you’ve posted anything first. Thank you so much for giving all of us such inspiration by keeping up this blog. You should be proud!! I don’t know how you do it all!
Thanks, Sonja! And, DUDE. That story is awesome. Your husband must be out of his mind with glee over that car! Also, I’m so proud to hear about one year of breastfeeding! To be honest, breastfeeding my babies will always be one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done, and I love to hear about others’ success with it. xo
OMG!! – My husband bought me the same car but in black and I absolutely LOVE IT!!! I live on the Monterey Peninsula on the Central California Coast where it seems 8 out of 10 people drive a Prius. Well they can drive what they want but I’m going to drive what I want. After 4 kids and mini vans and Chevy Tahoes I have a car that’s totally me and I love it!! I’m tired of apologizing or feeling wishy washy becasue my husband and I own our home and enjoy nice things. We have worked HARD all our lives, both didn’t come from money, we had our kids young which was very hard financially and now in our mid-40′s we are enjoying the fruits of our labor and a 7 month old baby grandaughter. I really am tired of people hating on other people because they happen to be doing well. People need to live and let live. Rejoice in other people’s happiness, don’t look down on it.
Hi, I’m Reesa. I am proud of a couple things this year! But more than anything else, I’m proud of the hard work and personal sacrifices I’m putting in to succeed in medical school. I’m proud that my patients love me, that I’m building my knowledge and skills, and that I am going to be able to give people the greatest gifts through my career & passion: their health.
And THAT is something I feel I definitely can’t say to a room full of med students, or to the general public, without sounding like an attention grabbing know-it-all…
So thanks for this space to share. You rock!
Yay, Reesa! Congratulations on all your hard work. I’m sure it’s been a tough few years, but your patients will benefit from your hard work for the rest of their lives!
You should be proud, Sarah. And I totally agree- excusing people’s constant negativity doesn’t stop us from feeling like crap when we’re around them. It certainly doesn’t for me! I’ve had to make some hard choices lately with some close friendships that did not lift me higher. A lot of good things have been happening for me in my life and I want friends that celebrate with me, not make jabs or jokes. I’m proud of the emotional work I’ve done to be able to let love in, to find a great man, to say YES when he asked me to marry him. I never thought this would happen for me and worried that low self-esteem and emotional issues would keep me from finding my person and accepting that love. But here I am- after many years of self-reflection and dedication to myself and my journey- engaged to a wonderful guy. It wasn’t a fluke. I worked my ass off at learning to accept and love myself and now I can be open to love from other people.
I’m also really proud, professionally, that I’m about to launch my own business AND that at my regular gig I plan a fundraising event that other non-profits avoid planning their fundraisers around because it is so well attend and well done. It didn’t used to be like that but since I’ve been managing it, it’s become a powerhouse event and that took effort from me!
Wow, that really does feel good. Thanks. ;-)
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Sizz, I am so proud of you on so many levels. Personally, professionally…and I just want to thank YOU for being such an amazing supporter of my blog. You were one of my first commenters years and years ago, and you still leave such wonderful comments now. You’re the real deal, my friend.
Well done, Sarah! I have some toxic people in my life too. After some painful soul searching, I have had to start weeding them out of my life, and some of them I have been friends with since grade school. Along with that is the internal struggle I feel…guilt for abandoning them when I may be able to help spread some positivity their way and the dreaded feeling of being “fair weather”. But, I’m letting them go and I am also letting go of the one sided friendships I have. Those who only talk about themselves and never ask about me/my life/my day/my family, etc. I now try to focus on myself and my beautiful, loving family.
Sarah, I am so happy for you and the success you have earned. Your family is beautiful and I love your blog…I feel like I have laughed and cried with you just by reading your posts. Thank you so much for posting about an issue that affects many of us!
Here I go…..My name is Amy. I have worked in social work for 10 years helping children and families less fortunate than myself. I recently started graduate school to pursue counseling so I can learn to help others who struggle with mental health issues. Wow, it does feel good to acknowledge accomplishments without making excuses for them!
Thank you so much, Amy. I’m so glad your here, in this space, and I am really looking forward to seeing you in person again! We go waayyyy back don’t we?
You should be SO proud of your career – it’s something I never would have the strength to do, and you make a huge difference in people’s lives on a daily basis. Bravo, mama. xoxo
Thanks for such a great post. I am trying to surround myself with great people who will only lift me up.
You’ve worked so hard for so long and its’ definitely your commitment that has brought you results — no luck about it! So congratulations!
I’m proud that for the last 2 years I’ve made fitness a priority and I’m getting the body that I’ve wanted for about 15 years. It takes a lot of dedication and many days of working through laziness and tiredness. I’ve been told recently from people I know that they are going to the gym to lose weight but I don’t have that problem because I’m tall and thin. What? I work my butt off to get my body — it doesn’t just come naturally. I’m also proud that I’ve been keeping a very positive attitude during almost a year of unemployment and dealing with a husband who had a bad accident (who is now okay thank goodness) without much family or friend support.
Joy, good for you!! I know ALL too well what it takes to consistently focus on fitness…and it’s hard. SO HARD. Congratulations!
I have been on a similar mission for awhile. Someone close to me once said that a frienship I was in seemed “toxic to my soul”. It sounds cheezy, but she was totally right. Creating those boundaries is an important part of happiness.
I’ll join in the fun.
Hi, my name is Tina. I am proud that I put my best effort into everything I do. I am a great clinician. I help kids and families every day. I wake up every day with the goal of contributing something positive to everyone I meet. I focus on the love in my life. I also make the best damn grilled cheese sandwich you have ever had. Solid.
Best,
Tina
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Awesome, Tina. To make a positive difference in another human’s life on a daily basis is incredible. Bravo to you! (And you must tell me what your secret to grilled cheeses is!!!)
Way to go! I’m proud of you too – now that I am more committed to blogging, I am realizing how hard it can be.
My name is Alison. I tried to find a job as a graphic designer for over a year after college, and didn’t have any luck. I am proud of myself for having the courage to try my hand at making my own job as a freelancer, and succeeding.
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Thanks, Alison. And freelancers rule – if you can make a living doing what you truly love, it’s the best!
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for your post! I’ve read your blog for year and also follow you on Pinterest. Oprah’s saying has resonated with me! To put a positive spin on it, I want to be the friend people turn to when they have a celebratory moment. And I think that is what I am proud of: being a good friend. I check in with my friends almost daily, bake them nice treats, and support them however I can. I am also proud of myself for trying to learn a new skill: quilting. Thanks for the opporunity to put this out there. And thanks for all the great hair advice you’ve given over the years! Love your blog.
Thanks, Brianne! I would love to support my friends even more – it’s so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day, and the kind of attention you give to yours is an inspiration to me!
Bravo to all! I love reading these posts and being reminded that there are so many awesome people in the world.
I am proud to say that, over the last 15 years, I’ve maintained close friendships with a few really important people in my life, worked hard to make a good life in NYC, and am enjoying and relishing being a parent to my 15 month-old son. My husband and I are working hard at it, probably harder than we ever dreamed before having this kiddo, and it’s truly life-affirming and FUN!
Now, THAT is the kind of outlook I love to witness. Congratulations, Aura! It sounds like you are living your dream. :)
Ooooh, yes.
This has been a major theme in my life right now. If I may suggest a great little article on this very topic – Expensive People. I, too, struggle with making excuses for why people are terrible to me or get offended by the slightest thing.
If I say, “I like to do X!” they hear, “People who do Y are idiots.” It’s clearly a sign of insecurity, and YET. I feel awful and say things like, “Well, she just went through a really hard time.”
Anyway. Yes. I totally, totally, more-than-I-want-to get this.
Hi. I’m Ashley and I’m proud of the fact that my family is able to live well and be happy on a small salary. I kick ass at living frugally and budgeting and it’s not just luck. Take that, haters.
Ashley // Our Little Apartment recently posted…Four Reasons I Don’t Get Political Online and Four Sanity Savers.
Ashley, you are a doll. (And clearly need to teach me some things about living frugally. Although, are you proud of my no-shopping challenge or WHAT?) Way to go, girl!
This is rather important topic to me as well. I found myself the last couple years or so, surrounded by people who were indeed toxic and had a hard time finding friends again or maintaining the ones I do have due to work schedule (working nights and weekends, school.. Rather than let it get so bad, I am focusing on what makes me happy, first-and then working around that. They were a pretty prideful group and would not let anyone be at their level so to speak. People like that, their level is usually mediocre at best isn’t it? There’s a big world out there. Rather than spend it making yourself miserable, be happy! Thank you for this post and the positivity.
You’re welcome! And you’re right – forget being miserable, be happy!
This is *a* rather important topic, I mean.
Just came back to say how awesome you are for replying to all of these. Thanks, you.
You’re welcome! Loved every minute of it. :)
Oh, this is so easy…My name is Darci and I am so proud of raising 2 daughters that becoming the very best of people. One, a junior in college, was told by a professor that she is clearly studying what she is destine to do – be an interpreter for the deaf. My other daughter is just starting down the path to be a child psychologist as a freshman but is already making waves at her sorority, pushing her sisters to be more then just a party.
I know it is not PC to be all about your kids…but damn I am proud of a job well done.
Great thread! I am the lead trainer in my organization and we are smack in the middle of a HUGE training evaluation. My crew is kicking some major butt, and I am really proud of them, and the other training leaders and team members. I’m also really proud of myself for herding cats and holding people accountable and putting in long preparatory hours over the last 4 months to get us here. I can say with more than a grain of truth if I hadn’t worked so hard, we would not be getting the stellar team results we are getting.
What a great post.
You are so right about it all.
I often get moer encouragement and excitement over the things I feel proud about from my blog readers than I do from some family and friends.
From the little (Ohdedoh asked to do a room tour of my kids’ room) to the HUGE (bringing my marriage back from the brink of disaster) I have walked through it with strangers who cheered me on.
That is why I love blogging and won’t quit–even when it means I am perpetually tired/exhausted from late night writing.
It feeds my soul.
So there it is–3 things I am proud of: being featured on Ohdedoh, blogging consistently on 2 blogs while raising 4 kids and home schooling and that little thing of falling in love with my husband all over again.
Cheers to all of us!!!
Thanks for this. It feels so good.
Love from,
Greta
Greta recently posted…When We Took Our Baby to the Prom
This is a wonderful post and thank you for the reminder.
Okay here goes, I’m so proud that I’ve been able to develop a successful career and blossom in the marketing industry without any formal schooling or training what so ever. I started as an administrative assistant and am now Associate Director at a global digital ad agency. I’m proud that I am continuously determined to excel and push myself beyond what I think is possible.
I left a career that I went to 6 years of school for and have now found my true passions! I’m doing things that I love even if it means a pay cut!
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hmmmm….I’m not sure what I’m very proud of at the moment (I think I might need to work on that) but I just want to say you should not have to feel guilty for sharing your successes here or otherwise! I have personally loved watching your journey….you were one of the first blogs I read and I like being able to say I knew you way back when… ;-) And you look GREAT on the video clip! xo
That is such a great post, and it not only reminds us to keep people in our lives that will lift us up, but to remember how we react to other people’s happiness. It can be easy to feel envious of our friends accomplishments when we feel left in the dust, but we would want them to be happy for us when we have some great news, so we should treat others the way we would want to be treated!
Last week I got an A- on my midterm, and when I asked others in my class how they did, they all got B’s and C’s, so when they asked me what I got, I looked down at the ground and was afraid to admit I had done better than them. But hey, I studied. I earned my grade, and I should be proud of that!
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Ok, so I’m a little late with this but I just saw it. And even though it’s likely no one will see this, I’m going to say it anyway: I gave birth to my son last year with no drugs! And I’m really proud of myself!!!
I am not a “natural birth Nazi” by any means but I feel like I can’t even mention this to anyone because people immediately go on the defensive and think I’m criticizing medicated births. I’m not! I don’t care that you had an epidural! I hope you loved it!!
Whew. I’m done. And I’m sorry for all the exclamation points. (!)
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I’m glad I see this post from you and although it’s late (very late!), I just wanna say I’m proud I’m finally taking my leap to leave my permanent job and to start up my own pastry business back in my homecountry soon. The road ahead may be very, very rocky because i don’t have any formal education in the pastry and I haven’t properly owned a business before, but hardwork + prayer will keep me go on. :)
I was also looking at a different perspective for Valentine’s Day this year – less focus on the dinner for two, but more on the happiness for myself. I’m so glad I saw this! :) Thank you!
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Great post!
I am proud of being a woman in science.
I look around every day and rarely see women who are working in a scientific field, even today! I am proud that I can now say that I am one of these few women. Although, I would like to take my career in a design-y direction, I am proud to be a smart woman in Engineering.
In high school girls would come up to me and say, “Wow you must be so smart! I can’t believe physics is easy for you!” GIRL!! Physics is not easy for me! I work Damn hard. And also, isn’t Chemistry and Biology hard, too? Why are there women in more language-based sciences, and very few in math based sciences? ‘Difficulty’ should never be a reason. Just because (from what I have perceived, I can only speak from experience) it is not a social norm a woman to work in a field, does not mean that she should avoid it or shy away from it!
Anyway, now I am ranting! But my point is, I am so proud to be working in such a respectable, time-old field, and to be a strong, awesome female representative of that field. I am also proud that I made it through 4 long, grueling years of school work and little sleep and saying no to going out with friends. Its true what they say, it was actually worth it. Because I freaking earned this.
:)
Well, I’m late to the game but I wanted to comment. I saw your Pantene video and Levi’s video via Twitter, where I usually interact with you (and IG:), but once I read this post, I realized my “congrats!” tweet wouldn’t suffice. This one needed more than 140 characters.
I love this post because while I feel like I am a really great friend, one who is always genuinely happy for others, I have been asking myself A LOT lately why I am so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and blog readers who care about me. If a friend were to ask that same question, I’d point out how silly she is not to see the direct correlation, but sometimes it’s harder to accept that you are worthy of good fortune and love. Right now I’m doing everything I can to focus on my family. I’ve stripped my life of distractions and creative outlets that I adored, but that weren’t really where my head and heart needed to be. It goes without saying, for those who know me, that I’m extremely proud of my two daughters and the happiness we bring into each others’ lives daily. But I’m also proud of my insistence to face the pain of my divorce head-on, journal it, work through it, accept it, be angry about it, rebel against it, and ultimately grow from it and learn how to work together as parents to give our daughters the best life possible. My heart is broken but I’m proud that I’ve kept my positive outlook throughout, grown closer with my mom and friends, and know that my life, in many ways, is just beginning. Thanks, Sarah:)
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