Adventures With Hoagies

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Adventures with hoagies – complete with visual and audio pleasure! (Tasty AND sexy!)

Multiple choice. Christmas day is approaching. It’s 32 degrees outside and snowing with wind gusts up to 35 miles an hour. Conditions are deteriorating rapidly, roadways are quite slushy and it’s colder than a witch’s tit. What do you do?

1) Make hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a cashmere throw and hunker down for the day.

2) Gather the family around the fireplace and sing Christmas carols.

3) Order pizza and watch some favorite DVDs.

4) Drive clear across town (and when I say across town, I mean across Oklahoma City, the SEVENTH LARGEST CITY IN AMERICA IN TERMS OF LAND AREA) to pick up a 4-foot hoagie.

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Awwww, yeah. You know the answer to that.

Now, before I go any further, I must inform you that our family has a certain Griswold-esque charm. We’ve had some interesting situations in the past, therefore, we prefer to stay on the down low for our own safety, and the safety of those around us.

Like the time we were enjoying a family barbecue at my home. Dad was cooking steaks outside and the ladies were taking care of side dish duties in the kitchen. I remember washing fruit at the sink, when I suddenly noticed our extremely ancient and DRY pine tree bursting into flames in the backyard.

Turns out, my father had chucked a tiny, flaming piece of beef over his shoulder while grilling outside. That tiny, flaming piece of beef landed ever-so-softly in the ancient and DRY pine tree, and well, the rest is history.

Oh, how I long for you, Mr. Pine. Rest in Peace.

So, um yeah. The Griswolds.

After our gratuitous, smiley “I’m gonna blog this, heh” photo, we hunkered down and got serious. We had a toddler in the car, you know.

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We decided it was best not to talk – we needed to focus on the task at hand. That was until Feliz Navidad came on the radio.

Game over. This was the result. (Little did my family know that I was utilizing the Voice Memo feature on my phone. BWHAHHAHAAA.) Notice how the chorus of Feliz Navidad quickly dissipates into “Blahdadaadablaaa”. The family that sings together stays together.

Then, as we were cruising a cool 40mph and caroling in faux-Spanish, this came into our view.

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Dear person,

Not really a good place to leave your trailer. OKTHXBAH.

Love, Whoorl

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I’m pretty sure my mother was trying to explain how, in Oklahoma, people leave their rusty trailers filled with garbage wherever they please, even if that place is smack dab in the middle of a 45 mph roadway.

Wito was all, “That’s some crazy shit, Grandma! Holla!”

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It was not the most optimal day to be on the roads, but the streets weren’t icy yet. We decided to press onwards.

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When we finally arrived at our destination, it was quite shiteous outside.

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However, Bishop Stu Tu procured our 4-foot hoagie with careful precision. FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON’T SLIP WITH THE HOAGIE! SECURE THE HOAGIE!

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Did I mention this massively long hoagie (which almost didn’t fit into the SUV), was going to be consumed by a mere 5 people?

So, I ask of you. Was the 4-foot hoagie really necessary?

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Someone, please save me from the crazy.

Stay tuned for Adventures In Rural Oklahoma: Whoorl’s Visit To A Meat-Packing Plant Straight Out Of Deliverance!



COMMENTS (36)

Comments

  1. *sigh*

    While I’d like to say that this is not a fair representation of Oklahoma, I cannot. It is true.

    *weeps*

  2. Michelle in Cincinnati says:

    “OKTHXBAH” – hahaha :o) Whoorl, you should keep a list of your “Whoorlisms”….you say the funniest things!

    PS – Your mom and dad are adorable!
    PPS – Hope Wito is feeling better!

  3. Natalie 42 says:

    I don’t know what you’re talking about…..if the 4-foot hoagie is coming from Someplace Else, it is absolutely necessary.

    Now I’m going to crave Someplace Else until I decide to visit home sweet Oklabama.

  4. your family sounds fun. and damn, that’s some big sammich!

  5. I am now craving said entire 4 feet of hoagie goodness, but am not supposed to eat the deli meat (and ask me how sad I am that I’m not supposed to eat many of my favorite things while pregnant – VERY SAD). That does not stop me from craving the hell out of a hoagie, preferably one filled with all kinds of forbidden-meat goodness.

  6. I just laughed so hard! I need to think of more lies for why I am laughing at work. My work just isn’t funn enough.

  7. Oh, you crack me up!

    I love Bony M, but the shrieking added to it? Made it even *better*.

    As for the hogie, you are making me crave one and it’s 8:30 am :)

  8. that was SO awesome. gosh, i can’t think of anyplace that sells 4foot hoagies here….darn.

  9. Look, ice or no ice you HAD to get the hoagie. I completely understand. We often drive 30 minutes to pick up a 10 pound pizza.

  10. How cute is your dad?! :)

  11. Ummm…those stuffed seals(?) make me want to sit in a car seat.

    I hear you on the Griswolds. My family came complete with the family truckster.

  12. Oh Whoorl – I needed that laugh. THE TRAILER! In the road! CARAZY!

    I hope little one is feeling better and you, too! Germ Freak Me caught the stomach bug that hit our family over break. No more victory laps thinking I’m all immune! At least I have one less thing to worry about – getting it.

    Anyway, hope you are well and looking forward to more Adventures in OK – OKTHXBAH – cracking up I tell you!

  13. Hysterical I tell ya!! Too funny, gotta love the singing family too. and what a DISASTER that would have been if the hoagie did not fit in the car. Oh man…..

  14. That’s it. I’m moving to Oklahoma and opening up some Subway® franchises, where they’ll cut your 4′ sub into 6″ sections for you.

    Feliz New Year!

    Jon, I’m speaking for all Oklahomans when I say, please PLEASE do not compare a Someplace Else hoagie with a Subway sandwich. Heresy!

  15. You are too funny. Love the pictures, and Wito is adorable!

  16. bishOp stu tu says:

    whOOrl gOOrl,

    my dear gawd, we ARE nutz. certifiable.

    this is why people don’t come to oklahoma. it’s UNSAFE.

    I always have hoped you wouldn’t be as lOOnie as moi….but, alas…

    you’re worser.

    with love, yo dad

  17. this post makes me miss you! where are you! are you better yet?!!

  18. On that very day in OKC, my mom & I were braving the elements as well, only to shop for fabric to make drapes…yes, we dorks decided it was time to sew in a snow storm.
    However, since I live w/in walking distance to Someplace Else, (we didn’t walk there), but we did stop in for some Sammiches on the way home to make it all better.
    (Side note: I HAVE walked to the bar, Cookies, on the other end from Someplace Else in a snow storm, but that was last year’s Thanksgiving storm & we were desperate for booze…I think only fell twice on the way there & about 10 times on the way home…hmmm.)

    Cookies! That’s one of the bars we used to frequent when I was like nineteen with a horrible fake ID. It wasn’t named Cookies, but the name escapes me right now….

  19. I definitely needed a laugh this morning, and your post did it for me! We are dealing with teething issues here (does it ever end?) Wito is so freaking cute it’s ridiculous! I love the photo of him with your mom and your caption below (or above it?)–so funny!!!

  20. HILAREOUS! Gawd that was some good reading fun. I can’t wait to hear more about your OK trip.

  21. Wow, that’s a lot of hoagie

  22. I must say, reading your blog was the best way to end my day. Too funny!

  23. That was way fun! :) And your dad is too cute.

    I wonder if we have Someplace Else’s in Tulsa.

  24. So that’s where I left that trailer! I was looking for it everywhere!
    I know where I’m going for lunch tomorrow.

  25. Lurved that… your folks seem very cute! And that’s some sub!

  26. Finally — I understand why so many of you live in Oklahoma! I want to move there, too. The California sandwiches are for sissy boys compared to that.

  27. i have been craving sandwiches like you wouldn’t believe. someplace else with its delicious brown bread and boars head turkey, yummy. it is on my list for summer. when d told us you were off to get a 4 footer, i of course asked, “where?” it is all clear to me now! you make me miss home and make me realize how “lovely” it is all in one post, you have the power.

  28. I would love to know where on gods green oklahoma earth a hoagie is worth driving in that shit weather for! bc in that case….I NEED ONE. your family is so cute!

  29. Constance says:

    I heart your family. May I please join KTHANX.

  30. I thought “hoagie” was a Philadelphia-centric name? Oh well… Your family seems like a carload of good times, Whoorl – especially your parents… No wonder you love going home!

  31. That hoagie was so worth it. We can say that because nothing happened but, the song and the photos are priceless. It is amazing what will get you out in crazy weather.

  32. Oh, that Hoagie looks totally worth it.

  33. ok, I’m sorry, but wtf is a hoagie?

  34. That’s hilarious- your parents are good sports! And now I’m hungry.

  35. dude. i am SO hungry now.

  36. All I can say is I loved this post from beginning to end.

    Tracey – it’s a sub.