Planes, Veins and Automobiles

18

Ahhhhh, what a weekend. I highly recommend getting married within one day of your birthday- it makes for a fabulous 2 days of self-indulgence. I love combined birthday/anniversaries. Birthversaries! Annidays! Whatever. Presents! Cards! Phone Calls! Money from the Grandparents! Expensive Dinners! And I must say, a whirlwind of ego stroking. Did I mention I love Birthversaries? I want to tell you all about it, but my need to bitch takes precedence today.

All glorious things must come to an end. With great sadness, I come to you today the star of the newly created It’s-Not-About-Whoorl extravaganza. And what better way to thrust me back into reality (aka the 363 remaining days of the year that suck donkey balls) than a 7:45 Monday morning flight across the entire damn country for a 3 hour and 30 minute work meeting. OH, SUCH FUN!! Tell me, does this make good business sense to you?

Monday, November 7th:

6:30am PT- Leave for airport.
7:45 am PT- Takeoff on 4-hour flight.
3:00pm ET- Land in Atlanta, Georgia.
3:30pm ET- Leave airport and head to resort*.
5:15pm ET- Arrive at resort* (80 miles from airport).
5:30pm ET- Check into the nastiest room in resort* history. Take 28 photos as proof to husband that the resort* makes Motel 6 look like the Ritz-Carlton. Kill some sort of roach-slug hybrid in my room.
6:00pm ET- Call my father to express disdain with the resort*. He advises me to sleep with a shower cap on to keep the bedbugs from burrowing into my scalp overnight. Excellent.
6:30pm ET – Dinner with 30 people I don’t know. Wonder why in the hell I am forced to attend this meeting.
7:00pm ET – Stare glassy-eyed at strangers over dinner, making sure to laugh at appropriate times while daydreaming of the All-About-Whoorl extravaganza. Why is it over, Lord? WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
8:00pm ET- Back to room. Smells like a musty lake cabin. Another bug is on the ceiling. There is no way I am sleeping with a slimy bug on the ceiling. Spend next 45 minutes throwing the resort* room service binder at the vaulted ceiling in attempt to kill scary bug (which, mind you, rates a 10 in difficulty considering it’s an angled, popcorn ceiling).
9:00pm ET- Realize I better get some shut-eye for the 8am meeting. Wrap towel around pillow because, seriously, have you seen what dust mites look like magnified?
9:30pm ET – Can’t sleep considering it is 6:30pm according to my body. Fucking fabulous.
10:00pm – 12:00am ET – Count trillions of sheep.

*sooo NOT a resort

Tuesday, November 8th:

1:00am ET – Fall asleep. Crazy nightmares involving robbers.
6:30am ET – Huh? What is that noise? Huh? Why is music playing in the middle of the night- is there a nightclub on the premises? (crying) It has to be 3 in the morning! Why is the nightclub still open? (sobbing) I’m so tired.
6:34am ET – Realize the music is the alarm.
8:00am ET – Attend meeting. Feign interest. Scribble furiously. Play hangman, tic-tac-toe and MASH with myself (Mansion with Clive Owen, silver Range Rover, 2 children).
11:30am ET – Leave meeting.
11:45am ET – Drive 80 miles to airport.
1:15pm ET – Arrive at Airport.
2:06pm ET – Takeoff to Cincinnati.
4:35pm ET – Takeoff from Cincinnati. Homeward-bound. This was hands-down the longest 4 1/2 hour flight of my life- I’m pretty sure I had blood clots forming in my legs around the third hour. The pilot changed altitude 5 times looking for smooth air. Finally, they informed us there was NO smooth air to be found anywhere in the continental United States. Awesome. “Would you like something to drink?”, “No, but I’d love some choppy turbulence with a side of DVT, please.” Oh, and the cherry on top was the movie, The Island. What a fucking INANE movie. Horrible.
6:30pm PT – Land at airport.
7:30pm PT – Home Sweet Home.

Hey, employers! I am so thrilled to introduce you to a new state-of-the-art communcation platform that will keep travel costs low and most importantly, your employees’ sanity intact!

It’s called a teleconference.



COMMENTS (18)

Comments

  1. I got to spend two glorious days in Wichita if it makes it any better.

  2. Kimmer,

    It makes me feel a little better, except for the fact that you were 162 miles from home compared to 2300 miles from home, BEAATCH.

    I’m still a little cranky, can you tell?

  3. Congrats, Lin! I’m sorry your hubby isn’t around…I’m sure he’ll make it up to you when he returns. ;)

  4. Sounds like a sucky two days. Glad you’re back … by the way, I had forgotten all about the MASH game. Way to put some nostalgia in your post!

  5. Wow…that post really takes the Whoorl Cake of Fabulousness. The dust mite photo! The popcorn ceiling! The Clive Owen! The NotResortAtAll! And to top it all off…THE ISLAND. Love it.

    Glad you’re back. xoxo

  6. Happy Annibirthary and may you have many, many more of both!

    My kazillionth anniversary is today and my husband of that many years is in Milwaukee on biz. See, it can be worse.

  7. How long did it take you and D to place that pretty blue box and paper so perfectly. Oh, the card and envelope too.:)

  8. D didn’t help at all.

    Did I mention I am a photographer supremo? I’m thinking of quitting my day job… ;)

  9. welcome back funny woman!

  10. home sweet home indeed! what a fucking ordeal! it did make me laugh though, and for that i am so very grateful.

    i am going to play MASH now. ;)

  11. don’t understand why they spend the amount of money on crap…did you have to share a room with someone?
    MASH:johnny depp, volvo SUV (yep, i want another piece of crap), cabin in nowhere, 3 kids.

  12. Ugh! That blows!! :S

    I hope things are sucking fewer balls since you are home. :)

  13. Jurgen Nation says:

    Does it make sense to me? NO. Am I surprised? Also NO. Just make sure you demand they pay the bill to de-mite your hair. UGH. I HATE some of the crap I have to go to.

  14. Jurgen Nation says:

    Whoops – Happy Birthday! :)

  15. Sarcomical says:

    ha! seriously, they should get with the times and stop sending such a cute girl with obvious sanitary standards to such crapholes.

    i also am very afraid of dust mites.

  16. That is hilarious.

    Well, probably not to live it. But to read it? Hilarious.

  17. Dammit! Someone stole my birthday/anniversary combo word and now I must think of something else clever to say.

    Wait.

    Wait . . .

    Ok, I’ve got nothing.

    Crickets.

    Not really the sassy Scorpio comment you’d hoped for, eh? ;) Happy Birthday, W. Thanks for bringing us such blog beauty every day.

  18. undercover celebrity says:

    First of all, I am FREAKING out about the dust mites. I am going home, getting a new matress, and vacuuming it every hour on the hour.

    Your “resort” visit is tres reminiscent of a hotel that my BFF and I stayed in in Hawaii. The lobby was quite lovely, but we got up to our room and it was truly the picture-perfect definition of a roach motel (though I will give it credit for hiding the roaches). Alls I’m sayin’ is that there were brown smears on the wall — I don’t EVEN want to know what that was about. We asked for a new room and tried to convince ourselves that it was better than the first. Needless to say, we spent as much time as possible on the beach.