You’re From The High Plains, Whoorl

33

Yesterday was one of those days that just physically kicks you in the ass. Repeatedly. The kind of day that makes the middle of your back burn and ache; the kind where you find yourself exhaling as you finally, FINALLY melt into the couch at day’s end. And I totally over-emphasized the couch-exhale bit last night, similar to Kyra Sedgwick’s character in Singles when she is about to brush her teeth before Steve Dunne shows up at her door.

Can we talk about Singles for a bit? Like the fact that it was released in 1992? 15 YEARS AGO?! Dude, I’m old.

I’m pretty sure I’ve memorized the entire dialogue of Singles. God, I LOVED Cliff Poncier. Most likely because I was dating (in a Janet/Cliff kind of way) a long-haired brunette band member at the time who looked remarkably similar to Cliff. Interestingly enough, they also shared the same IQ. We had an extremely deep and intellectual relationship. Alas, I was not an amazon woman and we eventually parted ways.

Moving on.

My shiteous day revolved around the beach. AGAIN. Really beach, what the hell?! The beach and I are headed for disaster. That, or couples counseling.

We have been experiencing early June gloom (or May Gray, is that what we’re calling it?) for the past week. Yesterday, between the hours of 11 and 1, the sun miraculously parted the clouds, the angels were singing and I knew it was time. I packed up the jogging stroller with my beach gear:

1. Sunblock
2. Hats
3. Sunglasses
4. Phone
5. Camera
6. Diapers and wipes
7. Crazy pop-up tent (fucking fucker)
8. Beach blanket
9. Bottle
10. Cheerios
11. Toys
12. Burp Rag
13. Are you catching my drift?

Say goodbye to the days when I could throw on my bikini and iPod and head out. Noooooo sir. Now, it’s an Olympic event that takes WAY too much planning and thinking and planning and thinking. Anyway, we finally got out the door and started the walk to the beach. I use my jogging stroller at the beach because the large front wheel glides effortlessly through the sand, unlike my eleventy trillion dollar Bugaboo. The only problem with the jogger is that it’s pretty hard to steer when you aren’t actually jogging. Which is pretty much a BITCH, people. Turning tight corners makes me want to cry (cue the middle-of-the-back burning). Whatever, we made it there. Quit blubbering.

We found a great spot, opened the tent (fucking fucker) and things were great. Before I go any further, you must know that our pop-up beach tent is dangerous. Literally, you pull it out of the bag, throw it on the ground and run like hell, hoping it doesn’t smack you in the ass. However, the biggest issue is folding it back up. Now, being the planny planner that I am, I practiced folding it up SEVERAL times before we left for the beach. I didn’t want to be that dumb ass that can’t fold up the damn tent.

Doesn’t look that difficult, right? Little tent, you don’t fool me…

Janet, I could not be fooling you less. (Who can name the scene?! Anyone? Anyone?)

After relaxing for a mere 45 minutes, the damn clouds rolled in and it was time to make a move. And this is when I would have given anything for a wingman with a camcorder. Because the tent-folding episode would have provided much entertainment on YouTube.

I could not get the damn tent to close. I tried and tried and then forcefully tried, which bent one of the rods the wrong way, resulting in a big 1 – 2 PUNCH right in my face, knocking me down on the sand in front of several beach-goers. Oh, and did I mention there was a hottie hot men’s volleyball tourney going on? Awesome!

Just imagine – glistening, sweaty hot dudes spiking the volleyball on the horizon. Oh wait, what’s that in the foreground? Is that a woman WRESTLING a pop-up tent to the ground? DUDE, the tent just knocked her OUT!

30 minutes later (yes, 30 – THREE ZERO), when it became clear that 9-month-olds can suffer from utter embarrassment, I called D at work. “I CAN’T GET THE FUCKING TENT TO CLOSE! I’M LEAVING IT HERE! ON THE BEACH! I DON’T CARE! (clenched teeth) People are laughing at me. What?! Yes. YES! I don’t want to drag it home! FINE!”

He said maybe it could be salvaged – he had a point. I had to find a way to get it home, but this type of tent doesn’t “fold” or “collapse”. It’s like a huge juicy zit, just seconds away from exploding all over the mirror. If you press one side down, the other side pops up. It was a huge pain in my ass.

Somehow, I managed to contort it into a 6-foot-long pressure cooker, laid it on top of the impossible-to-steer jogging stroller and attempted to walk home, trying to keep the breeze from turning it into a kite. All I can say is, that was one long-ass walk.

When I finally arrived home- sweaty, sandy and STINKY- I tried to get the tent through our back alley gate. Wito was sleeping in the stroller, so I was attempting to be quiet when the tent exploded and hit me in the face AGAIN. You guys, Whoorl done lost her shit.

To all of my lovely neighbors: I’m very sorry for the slight disturbance you may have heard yesterday around 1 pm in the alley. You may have witnessed some cursing, kicking, yelling and possibly, lots more cursing. And yes, the altercation was fueled by an inanimate blue and yellow object.

BUT, HE STARTED IT.

Needless to say, the tent is no longer salvageable.



COMMENTS (33)

Comments

  1. That lady makes it look so easy to fold it up…Ha!

  2. am'ti b says:

    at least you are honest, i hope today runs a bit smoother. we are off to find wito some neat euro gift. have a good begining of summer.

    Have fun in Europa!

  3. dude, just thinking about the sand and the heat that comes with the sand makes me tired. I can’t imagine the shit involved with that tent.

    I just got back from escorting 5 two year old in and out of a pond for a mere 20 minutes and I am stinky, glowing from all the sunscreen and pooped.

    Was the tent for Wito, or is it for more than one tiny person?

    No, it’s a FAMILY tent. It’s the same one I put in the link. UGH!

  4. i feel your pain. i can barely, BARELY manage the sun shades for my car, let alone a whole tent. i’d be interested in knowing how you destroyed the tent because i’ve tried to come up with an ultimatum for my sun shades… like “if you (sun shades) hit me in the teeth one more time, i’m going to….” but what? they invoke so much anger, but what is a good punishment for an inanimate object? right?

    I bent the metal rods in half. I was a teensy bit angry…ooops. :)

  5. oh! man! I wish I was there!!!!

  6. that damn tent reminds me of a raft i bought for the pool last year. i could never get it to curl back around to a circle to put in its bag…ever again…stupid springs!

  7. Cliff Poncier: Look, Janet you know I see other people still. You do know that don’t you?
    Janet Livermore: You don’t fool me.
    Cliff Poncier: Janet, I could not be fooling you less.

    I have had so many meltdowns in the last 3 years and 7.5 months since becoming a mother. I was screaming out my window at McDonalds off 18th St Expswy in KC last week when it took 20 minutes to get a bottle of water to make a bottle for my hungry hippo and my 3 year old was chattering NON STOP. I believe i yelled (loud enough for all to hear), “IS it retard day at McDonalds?” I am not proud, and I never, ever say retard.

  8. Where was gorgeous Lifeguard when you needed him again? Sorry your beach day didn’t turn out quite right. I say forget the tent and get an umbrella, they are so much easier and can be carried under the arm. Although I don’t live near the beach I do go every year and have manuevered the umbrella, blanket, bag and two lawnchairs with the stroller, trust me it can be done when you really want to get to the beach, don’t give up.

  9. Janet, you rock my world.

    Yay! Now we can also discuss Singles when we meet for martinis!

    PS, those tents are a pisser. Seriously, don’t you sometimes think with all the crap you have to pack, that it’s hardly worth leaving the house?

  10. I shouldn’t laugh at your predicament. But I am. Sorry. I know that you’d do the same ;)

    And as for the tons of crap to pack? I hear ya. Last summer I just left most of it in the van instead of hauling it in and out every day. Kids have SO MUCH CRAP!

  11. I imagine that watching the girl in the video fold the tent with such ease is like watching a yogi put his feet behind his neck and then kiss his own ass. Easy peasy! Now it’s your turn! Riiiiight.

  12. What a fiasco. It took me 6 months to learn how to unfold my jogging stroller, so I can’t even imagine life with The Tent.

  13. That video (especially the magic manuever at the end) reminds me of Martha Stewart’s Japapese shirt-folding campaign. Every time I see the video I say, “Wha??” and have to watch again.

    http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4776825453418327083&q=shirt fold

    Huh? Wha? How’d they do that!?!

  14. First is was the asparagus Crayolas, now Singles. If only I had beautiful, shining hair I could claim that we were long lost sisters or something.

  15. cocodrie says:

    Oh mah gah – Singles circa 1992. Love it!

    Also, “What if the super you meets the super her, and the super her rejects the super you?”

    “We will always go out dancing!” “What?” “WE WILL ALWAYS GO OUT DANCING!”

  16. I have no idea as to the movie reference but I perked up when I read my name and thought maybe? you were talking to me?

    Hilarious story though…too bad one of those hotties didn’t like…ask to help you out!

  17. Don’t feel bad about a little bent tent rod. I live with the same temper that caused my grandfather to wrap GOLF CLUBS around TREES. Repeatedly. A lil’ cussing and screaming and unitelligible grunting won’t hurt anyone. Tent looks a right bastard to me.

    Whoorl-garita, maybe?

  18. We should never ever go anywhere together. It would be an angry angry disaster.

    Did Wito sleep through the madness?

    Like a baby.

  19. Janna N says:

    Thanks for the laugh!! I have a tent of my own and feel your pain. The instructional video was helpful and after four kids and no need for it any longer, I finally know how to fold it correctly…thanks a lot!

  20. Hilarious.

    I’m not going to lie. That last flip it over and tuck under itself maneuver (sp???) in the video looks like it has HIGH disaster potential. Which, apparently, it does.

    I think it’s time for a Wito-only tent. Seriously.

    But also – where was SAJ when you need her? She always has the crazy cam!

    I know! SAJ’s been in the sticks for ages…

  21. the zit analogy- gross yet priceless. ;)

    do you know i live a block away from the singles apartment building!? how much do you love me now?

  22. Oh my, that was too funny. You are so fabulous at articulating good stories.

    Rest in peace oh f-ing tent!

  23. kimmers beat me and i’m depressed so, i’ll recite my other favorite lines because i’m old, mucho grande grey hairs are sprouting and i totally lived parts of this movie. and yes, i’m totally pining for the days when i was single.

    and totally can’t wait for chicago-BABY!

    but i digress:

    “Somewhere around 25, bizarre becomes immature.”

    “I’ve always been able to do this, break up with someone and never look back. Being alone: there’s a certain dignity to it. “

  24. Oh Gosh LMAO..jajajaja..that was soooo funny…I imagine wito looking at u ..jajaja

  25. 1992? Holy shit! I STILL refer to a certain type of person as Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man. Perhaps I should get a new reference?

    Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man! AHAAHAAAA!

  26. Gorillabuns, I announced to my employees that I needed help with the Singles quote, and one of the many 20 year olds said, “What’s that?”

    Whoorl, Speaking of Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man, do you remember Grocery Man?

    Grocery Man! Ha! I totally remember…um, er, fine, I don’t remember grocery man. I DON’T REMEMBER GROCERY MAN! Dev, what is wrong with me?! Why can’t I remember who grocery man is? Is this an early warning sign of Alzheimer’s?

  27. SINGLES!! One of the best movies eva! My hubs found the DVD on Amazon for like $3! And uh, 1992WHAT?!

    On a completely different note – we have this kiddie pool. Same sort of deal… folds up all little and when you pull it out of the case thingie it flies open. The first time we used it it took us (both my hubs and I) 2 HOURS to collapse the damn thing. I was all sweaty and pissed off. Hate that damn thing.

  28. Sorry, but the tent story is pretty damn funny.

  29. I had to FORCE myself not to laugh at this here at work.

    I hate the tent. (but I heart you.)

  30. Wow. That made me laugh…a lot! Thanks for sharing.

    I wish Emily hadn’t posted that shirt folding video. I watched it three times and then had to go practice.

  31. Wasn’t Grocery Man Jeremy Piven? “… of course, you may be busy”

    My favorite line is from Eddie Vedder: “A compliment for us is a compliment for you!”

    Old. SOOOOOO OLD.

    Oh thank you, Rachel! I thought Kimmer was referring to someone we knew personally back in the day, not a character from Singles. Alzheimer Alert can be lowered back to green status.

  32. Put it back at orange whoorl – he was a hottie that we saw walking down Kentucky St one day carrying groceries – which prompted us to call him grocery man – which then launched the entire “fill in the blank”man identification status of our twenty something crushes.

    Yes, I TOTALLY remember Grocery Man!! He was hot! I just needed a little hint…ALERT LEVEL – GREENISH. “Fill in the blank” boys were the best…it was like our own personal pre-“Sex and The City” dialogue.

  33. Na na na na na na na na na
    I’ve got a dyslexic heart