A Plea for Internet Help

29

Dear Internets,

Am I crazy?

Love,
Whoorl

Ya’ll, I really want to tell you about our 1,500-mile road trip from last week, but my GOCD (Germ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is going to take precedence today.

As you know, I have been dealing with The Sickness, passed so gingerly along over the holidays by my father, Bishop Stu Tu. And as much as I would like to kick him so gingerly in the ass, he sold me my mother’s Lexus for an astoundingly low price during said holiday visit. So, you’re off the hook, DAD.

I had to purchase a vehicle because one of the perks of being a pharmaceutical rep is a company car, and we all know I am no longer employed as a pharmaceutical rep. Hence, no car. And while we’re on the subject, let’s discuss the other things I lost by quitting my job; you know, to give me one more brief panic attack.

1. A six-figure salary
2. Free 2006 Jeep Grand Cherokee
3. Free car insurance
4. Free gas
5. Health insurance
6. Freedom to plan my day as I please
7. Limited face-to-face contact with my boss (4 times/year)
8. Company Amex to buy treats and such
9. Free health advice from physicians, which really complements my GOCD

Wait, I think I’m having a heart attack.

Ok, I’m good. No wait.

Ok, yeah. Breathing.

But HEY, let’s not dwell on those things! Let’s talk about what I gain!

1. Wito! Wito! Wito!
2. Pajamas all day long if I please
3. No more corporate bullshit meetings
4. Long daily walks to the beach
5. No more physician ass-kissing
6. Hanging out with SAJ at the park
7. The time to focus on little things I enjoy (cooking! photography! blogging!)
8. A purpose
9. Did I mention Wito! Wito! Wito!?

Feeling better now.

Anyhoo, I have been more than mildly obsessed with The Sickness taking a hold of little Wito. To the point of not touching him since last Friday morning.

Seriously.

I haven’t touched, nor been within 5 feet of him for the past 5 days. D has done literally everything- feeding, cleaning, and playing- this entire time. Which is truly a great thing for two reasons- 1) wow, what a great dad he is and 2) he now knows exactly what I’m talking about when I’m dropping dead from exhaustion at the end of the day. I can’t tell you what vindication I felt when he peeked his head into the bedroom a couple of nights ago and said, “This is REALLY hard. I’m exhausted by 7:00!”

Cue clouds parting, angels singing and the beautiful sunlight filling the room.

YES! He gets it!

The tremendous help from D had to end when he returned to work yesterday. Luckily, I had the nanny to help around the house while I met with my boss to give him my notice. That was until she called me mid-meeting to tell me she was hurling all over my house. Oh, and apparently, diarrheaing (surely, not a word) explosively as well. OMG. Luckily, it was a menstrual situation – um yes, ladies, she vomits and experiences not fun GI issues every month when her period starts. Certainly not fun, but at least not some scary rotavirus that would have thrown me over the edge.

This led to the dilemma. How am I going to take care of this child without getting him sick? I know you all are out there yelling at the screen to get over myself and just DEAL with the germs. I hear you, but HEY, I’m a new mom! Cut me some slack!

So, I went to Rite Aid. And bought surgical masks. And wore them around the house like a crazy person. And managed to scare the shit out of my son when we awoke from his peaceful slumber to see this looking down at him.

mask.jpg

Please don’t even get me started on the foggy-glasses syndrome. It seems the hot, germy breath rising from my mask fogs my glasses. This causes an array of additional problems, namely tripping over objects and running into walls.

Hmmm. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, am I crazy?



COMMENTS (29)

Comments

  1. You’re HILARIOUS. And maybe a little crazy :)

  2. OHMYGAH. Cannot. Stop. Laughing. At. YOU. :)

  3. You are a little crazy, but it’s all fueled by love, so who cares? Any one of us would be doing the same damn thing if we were to walk a mile in your shoes. :) Good luck with the big decision!

  4. Sigh, Whoorl, I missed reading you. I’m so glad that you are crazy. It makes me feel better about myself. (ha! you are not alone)

  5. If it makes you feel any better you probably aren’t contagious anymore. Most viruses and bacteria are contagious before you show symptoms or in the very beginning of the illness. I hope your little one stays well and enjoy your new job.

  6. I understand where you are coming from… but you might want to dial it back a tad before Anders starts crawling, because OMG, the things they get into then will freak you out even worse! (OK, I probably shouldn’t have brought that up. Sorry.)

    But anyway, the photo of you with the fogged-up glasses is the funniest thing ever. I love how OCD you are.

  7. oh man. I miss you. and I’m afraid you’ll never want to hang out with us at the park again….because little miss thing seems to have a permanent snotty nose, not to mention so do all the other kids there! aaaaaagh!

  8. Poor little Anders. Nobody should have to wake up to that but reading about it was hilarious. I hope to see as many baby at the beach pics as SAJ. Hope The Sickness departs soon.

  9. No, you aren’t crazy at all. But…can I have your job prettypleasethankyou? Sure, I have no experience. But I have a winning personality sometimes!

    Haha, love that picture!

  10. This GOCD must come from the S side of the family, not the J side. After all, when I was 2, my mom used to stick me in a cardboard box outside in the winter to help “build my immune system” and I never get sick.

    K and I, in turn, are one step away from having Miss M eat out of the dog bowl while quaffing toilet water from her sippy cup. And to what success, you ask?

    Sure, there was the 3 day stay in the hospital last June for the flu, but who can stop the flu? And then there’s the skin issues and coke bottle glasses at 10 months, but we chalk that up to genes. The helmet for the wonky shaped head? Bah, we like to think that’s because she was such a good sleeper.

    But, hey: no colds!

    Q.E.D.

    Now, when are you bringing that sweet little boy over to play?

  11. DAMMIT! Where is the picture of the Lexus? I will post a picture of my hot mom ride if you post one of yours.

    Also, check your email! I am sending you something.

  12. Um, yes sweetie, you are. HA!

  13. You need to get the masks that pinch at the nose. It stops the fogging on the glasses, this advice comes from my sister the nurse in training and proud four-eyed freak!

    I can see your point of view of being germaphobic around a baby. Their immune system is still developing and they need to get stronger. So, I’m in your fan club, “Whoorl Against Germs”!

  14. Too funny….hey, can I have your old job? HA

  15. LOL! I cannot stop laughing. The picture. It would scare me if I woke up to that. I seriously can’t catch my breath I am laughing so hard.

  16. I hope you feel better soon, but I am glad that D has had a taste of the 24/7ness (also, surely not a word) of parenting. I think all dads should have to go through that.
    I am so happy for you that you’re able to stay home with Anders. And jealous, too. I might have to go back (part time, mind you) because our mortgage is swallowing us whole. :(

  17. Yeah, no offense, but if that’s how I was greeted awake from my nap I think it would scare the crap out of me too. I hope you feel better soon so you can stop scaring the crap out of your son :)

    Also, I hope you have a great time at home with your adorable little guy.

  18. ACK!! I think that would scare anybody just waking up from a nap. You’re so funny.

    I’m not sure how it works but I’ve had a few pretty nasty illnesses and they never seem to pass to my kids. I’ve never really gone out of my way to prevent it either.

    I hope the illness goes away soon.

  19. let’s back up- she has explosive shits and barfs EVERY month?! i am so grateful my cramps and mood swings is all i have to deal with! good lord!

    i’m glad to hear D gets it. that’s a monumental moment! :)

    feel better.

  20. Oh Darlin:
    That is so freakin hilarious and scary at the same time. As a Physician Assistant with 5 (yes countem 5) kids. PREPARE yourself!! The germs are everywhere!! Sorry to tell ya, but they are on your hands more than anywhere else. Just wash your hands and love your babe. And. for. Godsake. Throw away the masks before you scare your kid to death! LOL

  21. Oh my gosh that picture is classic! I’m laughing so hard. I hope you get better soon.

  22. Darren McLikeshimself says:

    I don’t think you’re officially crazy until you wear the mask out in public.

  23. That was hilarious.

    I don’t think you’re officially crazy until you wear the mask out in public AND holding Anders over a railing in a tall building.

  24. De-lurking to say…You aren’t crazy. You are just DAMN funny!

    ps. You should incorporate that pic into your banner….I love it!

  25. Don’t think you are crazy at all. Although I never had to wear a mask as my son always caught the germs first, my Mother would come by and wear a mask so she wouldn’t pass on the germs to her other grandchildren. The kids got used to it pretty quickly.

    And I would say that you are probobly not contagious anymore, but it’s your call ;).

  26. Married Jen’s comment made me laugh. You don’t have a balcony, do you?

  27. I feel your pain on the quitting your job dilemma (I was a lawyer in my last life…) But it all comes down to this: I could never get these days back with my baby, but I can always go back to work! On the germ issue: I too was a germaphobe until Charlie started crawling. Then you just realize nature makes these babies put their hands on the floor and then in their mouths for a reason. I don’t know — some people would say it’s to build up their immune systems or something. I can’t say I fully buy that, but it somehow makes the germ issue fade in importance. Hope you feel better!!

  28. Yes, Married Jen wins for best comment.

  29. this post made me laugh b/c my mom does the same thing. although its us she punishes with the surgical masks while we are sick and we must also use gloves if we touch the phone. my stepdad and her flip out if someone comes over and is sick. i thought my mom was the only one that took these type of measures to insure no spreadage of germage. you continue to crack me up.