The Impending Threes

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Terrible twos, my ass. MY ASS. To any and all of you currently struggling with the terrible twos, I invite you to come spend a couple of minutes dealing with the Impending Threes. Remember this photo from exactly a year ago?

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I’m almost two and my life is a heaping pile of dog shit.

I now present to you Wito’s emotional state at 6:45 this morning.

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Such a beautiful day! May I have some blueberry yogurt?

I now present to you Wito’s emotional state at 6:46 this morning.

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I DON’T WANT SIX BLUEBERRIES IN MY YOGURT! I WANT FOOOUUURRRR! THIS KITCHEN FLOOR IS TOO HAAAAARD AND I DON’T LIKE YOU, MOMMY!!

Other notable changes include:

1. Waking up at 5:30 a.m. in his big boy bed, jumping out and running into our room, screaming, “WHAT ARE WE DOING TODAY, MOMMY?”

2. Melodrama. While gleefully playing with his trains on the floor, Wito will suddenly look at me with insta-tears in eyes, pleading with me to get him some raisins from the kitchen. OMG, the drama. Just ASK for a snack, kid. No need to reinact Brad Pitt’s sobbing scene in Legends of the Fall over a damn box of raisins. (Will I ever quote a movie from the current decade? Stay tuned!))

3. Completely asinine requests that are nearly impossible to perform. “Make a blue truck sound, mommy. No, that’s a white truck sound! I SAID A BLUE TRUCK SOUND! BLUE TRUCKS GO BRUUUUUM, WHITE TRUCKS GO BRAAAAAM.” (Once again, dissolving into a puddle of tears on the floor.)

4. Constant repetition. The current favorite around here is, “Where are we going to next?” (TIMES 13,000) Where are we going to next, kid? TO THE ORPHANAGE.

5. Walking up to me, putting his chubby-knuckled hands on my face and saying, “I love you, mommy.”

Uh, forget everything I just said. #5 makes up for everything, doesn’t it? Someone buy this sweet, long-lashed angel a pony!



COMMENTS (59)

Comments

  1. Awwwww…. I remember when my sister was going through that phase. And with me at 13, I was not impressed that she could draw tears if I even looked in her direction, pinch her own arm and tell Mom that I pinched her. Now that she’s 19, I take every chance to pinch her for real.

  2. I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you.

    Three is a million times worse than two. Two just lulls you into a false sense of security because you’re wonder what people are talking about with the phrase ‘Terrible Twos.’

    And then they turn three and it kills you. Dead. Evan threw a massive fit one day when we were at some friends’ house and “the kitty looked at meeeeeeeeee!!!!” I was like um, OK.

    The good news is that they will get over it. You know, when they are FOUR AND A HALF.
    .-= Rebecca (Bearca)´s last blog ..late adopter =-.

  3. A pregnant friend was complaining about the terrible twos her daughter’s going through. I said that the twos were nothing, and three is much harder. I see now that it may have been a mean thing to tell a pregnant woman who’s barely hanging on as it is.

  4. Oh yeah. Anybody who talks about the terrible two’s hasn’t had a three year old yet.

  5. Truer words have never been spoken. 3′s are hard and tiring. It is a good damn thing that #5 really does make it all worth it.
    .-= Rachel´s last blog ..Me and food are TIGHT! =-.

  6. Oh, I hate to break it to you, but my 4 year old is still doing all of those things. We taught him how to tell time on his digital clock so he wouldn’t get out of bed before 6 a.m. And one of my most commonly used phrases, “Yes, buddy, I heard you the first 16 times you said it!” And the melodrama, sweet mammyjammy, kill me now! But then he runs up to me at preschool when I drop off the show and tell item I forgot earlier, breaking away from playing with this THREE girlfriends, and gives me a great big kiss that just makes my whole day better. So yeah… not all bad :-)
    .-= Jill´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday — I guess I see a little resemblance =-.

  7. Anytime you need a break, feel free to ship Derby to Portland. If and when he starts floor flailing there will be a pug right there who will be all too happy to lick his face. Can anyone keep from laughing while a pip-squeak pug is prancing about, wanting to perpetually lick your face, or elbow, or any body part he can reach? (Survey says “not likely.”)

    xo
    .-= Kerri Anne´s last blog ..No Bees, Please =-.

  8. Oh lord, The CRYING OVER NOTHING, do I ever hear your pain. Three is kicking my ass. This morning, I was jolted awake at 4:37 a.m. to the shrieks of a child whom the universe had wronged, because his “PILLOW ISN’T PROPERLYYYYYY!” Properly WHAT, you ask? I only wish I knew.

  9. I think it’s hilarious that you take photos of Wito’s temper tantrums. They’re far better blackmail material than cute bathtub pics.
    .-= Amanda Nicole´s last blog ..we’ve arrived =-.

  10. Hello, my 6 1/2 year old son started this business around age 2 or 2 1/2. I’ll let you know if he ever grows out of it.

  11. I have to agree that the three’s are way worse than the two’s. Both of my girls hit the “terribles” in there three’s.

  12. I’m sorry – crying or not, that kid is just too frekkin cute!
    .-= Talk With No Thought´s last blog ..Weekend Update :: Volume 9 (The God Bless America/Al Anon Chronicles) =-.

  13. I am laughing. And I CAN laugh because my only kid is 16 months old. I know it’s looming ahead of me but I’ll enjoy what I have now while I can. And that involves snorting at you guys :-)
    .-= samantha jo campen´s last blog ..Like Jaws, but cuter =-.

  14. Ah yes… My son’s 3rd birthday is Saturday, so I am right there with you! And #5 really does make up for everything. Including the bloody nose he gave me from bodyslamming into my face earlier today. (Got me out of cooking supper, anyway.)
    .-= Melissa´s last blog ..time it was =-.

  15. I have said it before, but I will say it again.

    He and Emily would be fast friends. Or mortal enemies.

    (Regardless, I cannot wait to smoosh him next week.)

  16. Lyndsay says:

    My sister-in-law laughed when I bemoaned the “Terrible Twos” and told me to brace myself for the “Slit-my-Wrist Threes.” You just confirmed that. Thanks.

    Hanks has those pjs, too.
    .-= Lyndsay´s last blog ..Now Aint That a Sonofabitch? =-.

  17. I just used #4 yesterday at the dentist’s office.
    .-= justJENN´s last blog ..What up dawg? =-.

  18. Oh yes. I have seen these very things in action with my almost-three-year-old nephew. I have a feeling three is going to be a DOOZIE.
    .-= sizzle´s last blog ..Obligatory Fun =-.

  19. Elizabeth says:

    Last night my 2.5 year old went from skipping happily to Chernobyl in 0.8 seconds because I was going to use the wrong stroller to take him a walk (that he requested) to the library (his favorite place).

    I didn’t even have a preference on which stroller, I just picked the one I know he likes better.

    Except, apparently, his preference had shifted and I didn’t get the memo. That’s definitely worth of a tantrum on the garage floor, right?

    I feel for the kid, as we’re moving him to a new big bed in a new room, potty-training, changing preschools, AND having a new baby; all in a matter of a few months.

    But seriously, the stroller? Just say it in words, not meltdown.

  20. Oh, you give me such hope for the future with my 17 month old. You mean these tantrums don’t just magically disappear??

  21. 3′s SUCK. Plain and simple. I’ll be so happy when my son turns 4 in, oh, 9 months. Not that I’m counting or anything. But then, my daughter will be on her way to 3 and OH MY GOD.
    .-= Crystal´s last blog ..Potty Time =-.

  22. Catherine says:

    I feel you on #4. Where’s Daddy? Where’s Mommy? Where’s Grandpa? Where’s Ezra (the dog)? Where’s Toni? Where’s Jaydn? Where’s Daddy? Daddy work? Daddy right there? SHUT UP KID!!!! He drives me NUTS.

  23. Shelly Schmelzle says:

    I FEEL your pain, and I have TWO three year olds. Oh the drama that comes! The question of the day here is “what time is it mama?” This too shall pass.

  24. De-lurking to say this cracked me up. My boy just celebrated his 1st birthday two weeks ago but I could swear the terrible’s already live in my house. Flailing legs and wailing happen regularly if we dare to put the beloved swiffer away to rest until tomorrow. I need to start reading up because I am no match for him.

  25. Three is awesome if you like getting kissed and then sucker punched. Which I do, so, yeah, there’s that.
    .-= Susannah´s last blog ..My Bladder for a Baby =-.

  26. I don’t want to be Debby Downer here, but I still have some tantrums going on here at SIX. He is a slow learner!

    And oy vey….the never ending TALK TALK TALKING. I sometimes pay him a dollar to stop for a few minutes so Mommy can have a moment.

    I know I will miss this when he is grown and out of the house, right?

  27. Three SUUUUUCKS. It sucks. Last week Rosemary had a fit because she wanted to LEAVE the playground. A screaming, drooling on herself fit because we were at a playground.

    I love your description of the drama, too. Perfect. Must every request be a little mini-Shakespearean drama?

    We’re still mired in three, so I can’t tell you if it gets better. At least they can’t drive.
    .-= Hilary´s last blog ..The curse of motherhood =-.

  28. oh man. it’s like they are all in a secret club. toddlers vs. mamas and they are winning!
    .-= SAJ´s last blog ..7 Days: Day 5 The Hand Talks! =-.

  29. My son turned three two weeks ago. The only solace that I get from this post, is that at least we are all in the same irrational, tantrum-y boat.

  30. janella johnson says:

    There is an end to the tunnel one day. my 16yr old was terrible. I would sit holding the door knob shut to his door at nap time while he yelled and threw things at the door. I would sit there for a hour some days just holding the knob shut while holding on to the last marble I had. He is an angel teenager. Now his brother was not bad as a preschooler so does that mean I get it later from him?

  31. I’m so with you. My daughter will be three at the end of September and she had no fewer than four major meltdowns today, one of which concerned a toy that she thought needed new batteries because the light did not stay on as long as the song. She threw said toy into the front seat as we were driving down the road. I then threw it out the window.

    OK, kidding. I did not throw it out the window, but I pretended to and she thought I did and that brought on a five-minute long screaming and crying fit, which makes for very pleasant driving!
    .-= a madhouse wife´s last blog ..It’s a Sickness. =-.

  32. This is very comforting to me because I thought it was just MY daughter. I mean I seriously was starting to think either we had spoiled her irreparably, or she had some deep emotional problems already. Turns out…she’s just 3. It sucks while it’s happening but at least I know I’m not alone.

    Her latest schizophrenia is bath time. The kid that used to LOVE to take a bubble bath and wouldn’t get OUT of the tub now won’t get IN the but, and screams and spits all over herself when we force her into it. Lord give me patience…
    .-= Groovymarlin´s last blog ..Daily Outfit – July 16, 2009 =-.

  33. Are you hiding in my closet? Are you sure that’s YOUR 3 yr old boy you are talking about? Because I have one eerily similar (seriously, why can’t they just ASK for a glass of milk instead of screeching for it?? I’ll get you the milk dude! chill out!). Except for me it’s the blue truck SONG at bedtime, you know, that one Mama, the one about the truck…. yeah, good thing “twinkle twinkle little truck” is silly enough to fit the bill.

    But yes, the #5 is a beautiful thing. My little Brady has me wrapped around his chubby little pinky, even if he is suffering from a case of childhood bipolar-ish-ness.
    .-= Shannon´s last blog ..Baby Sitter =-.

  34. Man. Hilarious! I love the pajamas too. The boy is so expressive and dramatic. I know it’s not hilarious for you but I do enjoy that you got your camera out while he was ‘expressing’ himself!
    .-= Mama in the City´s last blog ..Baby Blanket Official Winner (Round 2!) =-.

  35. You’re about to make me cry and not from joy. I’ve got a 2 year old, and I can’t imagine it gets worse. Oh, and his new “funny” thing – when I say, “Do you know Mama loves you?” He replies, “I love Daddy.”

    SOB
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Smelling the roses =-.

  36. Heather says:

    Ahhhh, you have no idea how good you made me feel about my own child. My two year old (exactly 25 months) is a monster. MONSTER. He rides the emotional roller coaster on a daily basis. Happy, not happy, livid, hysterically laughing, hysterically crying, fabulous, rabid, inconsolable… IT NEVER ENDS. Throw a little OCD in the mix and sometimes I want to put him in a box and UPS him to Madagascar. UGHHHHH…. But I am sooooo happy to hear my child is not the only one doing this. The sad part is that we also have a new born who is a dream, I thought the new baby would be the difficult child to deal with.

  37. Michelle B. says:

    I think you have my child… no wait, mine’s still here and just as whiny! But the “I love you very much, mommy” comments win me over EVERY time… we women are such suckers!

  38. this post had me weeping with tears of laughter. I know exactly what you mean, 3 is so CRAZY. They seem so overwhelmed and stunned by their emotions! This is why I love your blog – you’re keeping it real. Hang in there, I can totally relate!

  39. Holy hell on a stick, this is funny!

    And I thought I had problems. Sheesh. I control my own blueberries, thankyouverymuch. My life will henceforth be free of strife!
    .-= Beth´s last blog ..The 3-Day: A Glimpse … =-.

  40. I just telling my friend yesterday, I hate the 3′s, I would like to go back to the 2′s.
    .-= sarah´s last blog ..a great big brother =-.

  41. This is what I call the Evil Three’s. Personally I loved the two’s. Unfortunately I’m not entering the TEENS… Send wine.

  42. I simply don’t know what you are talking about. My two girls have been nothing but perfect angels.

    gag.

    i have to admit, i kinda like moira now that she’s four. for the most part.
    .-= gorillabuns´s last blog ..tell me what you want, what you really, really want =-.

  43. Awwww. My niece is three (will be four in a few months) and it gets better. And while she is such a drama queen and is still known for her meltdowns of epic proportions, then she starts singing Hannah Montana and dancing like a crazy person and all is forgotten.

    At least for me. Because I’m her Auntie and I get to leave! :)
    .-= Kristabella´s last blog ..One Of Two Things Happened =-.

  44. Totally get it. We’re at three and a half and I may not make it. Our morning Mariah Carey breakdown today was “BUT MOMMY MY POPTART BROKE!”
    .-= Brooke´s last blog ..The sun’ll come out… =-.

  45. I can’t wait till he goes on his first date and you break this out for him. That will prove if his date has a sense of humor or not.

    When my daughter was 3, she was pretty easy. it was age 4 that brought some tantrums.

  46. dont have any kids, but i can read your funny ass commentary anyday of the week. keep it comin!!
    .-= holly´s last blog ..Break out the birthday suit! =-.

  47. Well ladies, as the surviving mother of an all-grown-up-now couple of kids, I can assure you that my wise pediatrician was right when he said “By the time they leave for college they will be…” weaned, have all their teeth, sleeping through the night (and half the following day) no longer attached to the side of your leg, not sleeping in the same bed with you. And with any luck at all they will still be giving you sweet kisses and saying “I love you, Mom!” I tell ya, it seems to take forever, yet it’s gone in the blink of an eye. But in the end? All good:-)

    Hang in there, sisters!

  48. Well, at least I know we’re not unique. The “what we doin’ today, mommy” has been happening here for months and continues, unabated, though we’re past the third birthday. And the instant tantrums, the wise-ass remarks (“you misspoke, mommy”), etc. As my smart sister tells me, three is just two with experience. Best of luck to you (and I’m hoping that somehow that will bring me luck, too); surely these children will turn into nice people….right?
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Four Months and Other Random Bits =-.

  49. Okay, I’ve never commented before, but I wanted to say THANKS! Because my kid is your kid’s age, and holy. cow. I thought it was just me going through this happy-then-I’m-so-miserable-I-will-SCREAM phase. And the mornings that are suddenly so much earlier than they used to be or should be? Wwwwhhhhhhyyyyyy???

  50. I used to teach an entire classroom of 3 year olds. 20 3 year olds.

    It does get better, promise.
    .-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..The One Where I Ignore My Blog Because I’m Boring =-.

  51. Oh thank you, THANK YOU, for posting this! I felt like you were describing my Christopher in every single statement. My husband just asked me the other day, “Did the terrible twos just take a little while to show up?” (He’ll be 3 in Sept.) But OH MY GOSH the drama is just too much to handle. But the CUTENESS! MAKES UP FOR IT ALL. Well…almost.
    .-= annie´s last blog ..Seven Quick Takes =-.

  52. I don’t have kids but he’s just so cute even when he is mad! Sorry, I’m no help!

    How do you get your pictures to do that? Can you teach us?
    .-= HALEY´s last blog ..broncfluitis =-.

  53. OMG!!!!!! My 2.5 year asks “Where are we going next?” about 300 times an hour and even if you tell her exactly where we are actually going she’ll say “No Mommy, that not right. We are going to Grammy’s house.” Even if we are just pulling out of the driveway at Grammy’s house. I tell ya, somedays the only thing saving me from insanity is the fact that she’s cute when she’s sleeping!
    .-= Ashley´s last blog ..Big Girl ‘Tone Live! =-.

  54. The terrible twos are like a joke year compared with the horrifying threes. No kidding. At least the increased verbal skill means some nice perks in the way of loving messages and knock knock jokes. But seriously, the whining and drama are unbelievable. Hang in there! Four is WAAAAAY better.
    .-= MommyTime´s last blog .."Help, I’m falling and I can’t get up…" =-.

  55. birdgal (another amy) says:

    As someone who has a three year old, WELCOME! Please take your four (not three!! noooottt threeee!) blueberries and stay awhile! ;)

  56. to the orphanage!?!?! hahahaha

    oh that’s so great.

    1 1/2 – 6 is devil age. they are nutso but they do have their fabulous moments :) great blog.
    .-= Rose´s last blog ..Steps =-.

  57. Oh my gawd YES!!!!!!!! The threes re HORRIBLE!!! I have ALWAYS said the twos are NOTHING compared to the THREES!! I feel your pain.
    .-= Nina´s last blog ..Potty Raining, Also Know As Hell Around Here =-.

  58. i haven’t commented in a couple years…as 3 kids(and taking in extras on the side) has been kicking my ass. I have to chime in (all the way from Angella’s neck of the woods…literally) and say that I agree. I totally, whole-heartedly 100% agree. It was true with child #1 and child #2…and I’ll let you know about child #3 (who turns 3 at the end of next month). I can also tell you, which might take the sting out a bit, that I have found age 4 to be quite pleasurable.
    .-= Vicki´s last blog ..Proof we know each other… =-.

  59. Loved this and shared it with friends! Even though we are only now approaching the 2′s (good lord).
    .-= Lynn´s last blog ..It IS a Summery Saturday Morning here =-.