Hot Stuff
Written by whoorl · Filed Under call me quirky, lists, parentage, photos, the tribe
My mother and I took Wito on a couple of errands this morning. First up, Target, which launched my first completely insignificant tirade of the day. What is the point of having shopping cart return corrals (“corrals” doesn’t seem right, but very Oklahoman, yes?) if there aren’t any carts left outside in the corrals for people? As a mother of a squirmy toddler, I appreciate parking close to a cart station so I can plop him into the cart immediately, opposed to dragging his uncooperative ass from the parking lot into the store.
Sure, I understand that larger stores might occasionally employ a Type-A Do-Gooder that is ALL ABOUT perfecting his Shopping Cart Retrieval practices, but COME ON. However, as I was going on and on about my First World Problem of the Day, a live cow flew past my face at about 35 miles per hour. Moral of the story – Oklahoma is not only hot, but windier than a Derecho for at least 290 days out of the year. Targets of Oklahoma, I apologize. I understand why you don’t leave carts outside. Because they could violently impale innocent bystanders while rocketing through the parking lot.
After checking all of our errands off the list, we made a quick visit to my father’s company. I don’t usually make a point to stop by his office, and now the reason is abundantly clear.
OH MY GOD. Did any of you have the distinct pleasure of giving these photo cutout stands to a loved one in the late eighties? Oooh! Three dimensional! Like, all Back to the Future and stuff! Apparently, this was a Christmas gift to my father (hint: MY RED AND GREEN CHRISTMAS SOCKS) and hoo boy, what a gift from the heart. Where do I even begin? Look at me.
1. The bangs. I adore my make-the-top-layer-sideswept-while-the-bottom-layer-curls-perfectly-under bangs. Kind of like a rogue wave crashing into a family of small squid.
2. The sweater. Obviously a man’s XXL – cheesy mock turtleneck and huge, slouchy front pocket included. Good day, sir! I might be going through puberty, but you will never know!
3. The pants. Holy shit, THE PANTS. The pleats. The pinch-rolled bottoms. MY EYES, MY EYES!
4. However, good thing I pinch-rolled my pants so everyone could enjoy my holiday-themed socks. Feliz Navidad.
5. Top-Siders, dude. Nothing more needs to be said about that.
6. The casual lean on my sister. Hey sis! You can lean on me. You know, WHEN YOU’RE NOT STROOOONG, I’LL BE YOUR FRIEND, I’LL HELP YOU CARRY ON.
Speaking of my sister, Lala experienced a bit of a hellaciously awkward phase growing up. Of course, I can say this due to the fact that she is now BLINDINGLY GORGEOUS, but really. What exactly is going on with that ensemble? Does her striped sweatshirt depict the four seasons? Are her pants actually tucked INTO those pink graffiti high tops? And what about that stance? People, only a stance like that could imply, “Bitches, my sassy glasses devour my face and I LIKE IT.”
Oh! But it gets so much better!
Hi! I’m going to high school in the fall, but think it’s important to be photographed with my precious white teddy. I love my teddy. Here, watch me squeeze my teddy! Um, do my bangs look okay?
Hahaha! Look at me! I’m doing a handstand! But my hair stays intact! HOW DO I DO IT? Photo Cutout Stands are MAGICAL. It’s like I’m living in 2009 or something!
Ahhh, good times. I think I need a cocktail.
Kaleigha
June 17th, 2009 4:59 pmHahahaha. Oh dear, oh dear.
Karen MEG
June 17th, 2009 5:01 pmi think I have that bear, and I wore your sister’s glasses … as an adult.
So, it CAN get worse!
(you two are seriously cute, and CUTOUTS? That’s too much ;))
Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy
June 17th, 2009 5:01 pmhahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahaha.
Amanda of Shamelessly Sassy’s last blog post..Ob la di, Ob La Da: Rules for my Life
metalia
June 17th, 2009 5:03 pmI’m WEEPING from laughter. WEEPING. I…don’t know where to start. Your pegged jeans? Your casual embrace of the teddy bear? YOUR SISTER’S SALLY JESSY RAPHAEL GLASSES WHICH ARE CLEARLY VISIBLE FROM SPACE? Hahaaaaaaa.
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Amy
June 17th, 2009 5:06 pmThese are amazing.
Amy’s last blog post..Spanish Rice
Rhi
June 17th, 2009 5:09 pmI had the exact glasses as your sister only mine were MAUVE. Mauve. What in the hell?
Rhi’s last blog post..Anniversary Update
Kerri Anne
June 17th, 2009 5:10 pmHi, those pictures (in cut-out stands!) are AWESOME.
I’m not going to lie; I’m a bit sad I never gave my parents a cut-out stand of myself in one of my token bodysuits.
Kerri Anne’s last blog post..Weekend Update, Celebratory Edition
sizzle
June 17th, 2009 6:06 pmI so want to make cut outs of myself RIGHT NOW at the ripe age of 36. But who would I give them to? Those are wicked awesome but not as cool as your outfit.
sizzle’s last blog post..Topical
Kate
June 17th, 2009 6:36 pmOh, the hilarity!
slynnro
June 17th, 2009 6:55 pmWait, SERIOUSLY?
slynnro’s last blog post..Do It. Or the Little Dog Gets It.
sparklytosingle
June 17th, 2009 7:13 pmHAHA. I laughed so hard I snorted, perhaps more than once. I think we have Father’s Day gifts all sorted out now.
sparklytosingle’s last blog post..Dreaming
Andrea
June 17th, 2009 8:31 pmHILARIOUS.
How big are these cutouts? I love that your Dad still has them hanging about his office.
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Crystal
June 17th, 2009 8:32 pmhahaha! I’m laughing mostly because I can relate. Except I don’t have a cut-out of myself to commemorate the catastrophe.
Crystal’s last blog post..Inappropriate Language
caroline
June 17th, 2009 10:01 pmIt sentences like “Kind of like a rogue wave crashing into a family of small squid” that remind me of why we’re friends.
Even better than your gifting this to your dad? That he still has them proudly displayed. And this is why adore your father.
Hugs to the fam! xoxo
Rose
June 17th, 2009 11:19 pmpahahaha i just peed my pants at those descriptions… i think i had that same outfit your sister was wearing! oh the shame :(
Rose’s last blog post..the Special K challenge!
angie
June 18th, 2009 3:39 amHilarious!!!!! You may have made my day.
Kelley
June 18th, 2009 5:11 amI heart the pink high tops. I had a pair, too. So Punky Brewster. Love it.
Kelley’s last blog post..Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go RIGHT NOW
Heather B.
June 18th, 2009 5:35 amSo where do you keep your teddy bear now?
I’m going to have to make fun of you for this for a very, very long time.
Heather B.’s last blog post..Pride
a madhouse wife
June 18th, 2009 5:45 amWhat you call the pinch roll, we in Kansas called the tight roll and I worked the tight roll in sixth grade but good. My students always laugh so hard on 80s day when I ask why no one tight rolled their pants. They don’t know what that means and then I show them (on flared-bottom jeans) and they think it’s the funniest thing ever. Hard to explain that in the 80s, the jeans were tapered ankle.
jcristg
June 18th, 2009 6:33 amAbsolutely phenomenal.
jcristg’s last blog post..it might be a crazy life, but it’s our life
lisa
June 18th, 2009 7:04 amnever encountered the “cut outs” i find it cute that your gramps still has them up in his office:) thanks for the good giggle…I was an ODD mix of YOU and YOUR sister:)
Kristabella
June 18th, 2009 7:24 amThis is phenomenal! I wore something similar to you many a time in my childhood. And I had your sister’s glasses, only in BLUE. And I wore them with my MC Hammer pants.
Kristabella’s last blog post..CAT!
katharine
June 18th, 2009 7:26 amHahahah Carter and I have some sweet cutouts at my parents house. Maybe we got a family special or something? Our cutouts are fortunately stored deep in a closet somewhere. I might just have to get them out and bring them to your parents house so you can see. They are AMAZING!
Rebecca (Bearca)
June 18th, 2009 8:32 amSpeechless. In a good way. You (and Lala) are good sports! Hahaaaaaa!
Rebecca (Bearca)’s last blog post..
little miss mel
June 18th, 2009 8:48 amah hahahaha. Dude. those cutouts are AWESOME.
The outfits and the hair look way too familiar. Pegged pants, bangs and all. Not sure about the socks, though. :)
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Estelle
June 18th, 2009 9:20 amLove the cutouts. But I really love that your dad kept these for so long. That is the best.
holly
June 18th, 2009 10:27 am“Bitches, my sassy glasses devour my face and I LIKE IT”
PAHAHAHAHA
holly’s last blog post..Somebody buy this..
kat
June 18th, 2009 10:27 amLOVE it. omg. topsiders!!
kat’s last blog post..oh hey internet.
Amy
June 18th, 2009 11:36 amoh dear god…laughter. those outfits…wowsers. i had the same big huge red glasses as laura. my favorite is those pants you are wearing.
my sisters and i most definitely have a photo cut out with my dad and he still has it displayed in his home. pretty sure i was sporting the red glasses too.
in this case, i blame parental shopping guidance. how could they allow this type of attire?
Crisanne
June 18th, 2009 12:40 pmMy sister had one of those cutouts and I was always so jealous. I do believe I may have tried a do-it-yourself version…
As for the attire, those look much more like tassled Cole Haan’s to me than topsiders. Perhaps because I spent many a night babysitting to earn enough money for my own pair.
Crisanne’s last blog post..On the mend
Miguelina
June 18th, 2009 1:26 pmOutstanding.
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Miss E
June 18th, 2009 1:46 pmThis was the best. post. EVER. Love that he still has them. Love your commentary on them. Anyone need last minute gifts for Father’s Day? (Do they even make those anymore?)
Aimee Greeblemonkey
June 18th, 2009 2:00 pmMy officemates just came in to check on me, and find out why I was rolling around on the floor laughing. ROLLING AROUND THE FLOOR LAUGHING. Literally.
Aimee Greeblemonkey’s last blog post..PETA has lost their ever-lovin’ minds.
Mrs. Flinger
June 18th, 2009 2:44 pmBuhahhaha! But I have that picture. And the bear. And the pants. So..
Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..Happy Birthday, Mr. Flinger. We Freaking LOVE YOU. A lot. Oodles. And more.
Kim Yamaguchi
June 18th, 2009 6:19 pmOk now that I can stop laughing at your description, I can say this: you and your sister were totally adorable then and incredibly gorgeous now. So, I don’t think either of you had an awkward phase!
Kim Yamaguchi’s last blog post..offline for a bit…
Cyrie
June 19th, 2009 8:58 amI love candy.
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molly
June 19th, 2009 12:24 pmCut-outs? No. Video made at Be-A-Star (next to JC Penny, natch) circa 1987? CHECK.
molly’s last blog post..Too Rough, TOO ROUGH!
moosh in indy.
June 19th, 2009 1:10 pmi had both of those outfits.
and her glasses.
but in blue.
moosh in indy.’s last blog post..finding humor in blood, sedatives and lady parts.
Katie
June 20th, 2009 6:40 amLOVE. IT! LOVE! I can so relate. Thanks for the laugh.
Robin
June 20th, 2009 12:43 pmClearly the teddy bear was a requirement of the 80’s cut out photo.
My friends’ mom got all of us girls those cutouts as a Christmas gift one year. They weren’t life size (thank God – can you imagine all of those big bangs?) – but we were all holding teddy bears and like you, I think we were freshmen in highschool.
I love that your dad still has those in his office. I can’t wait to do that kind of stuff to my kids.
Robin’s last blog post..Life lessons from a 4 year old
gorillabuns
June 21st, 2009 12:59 amwhy does your sister’s feet look she is encased in cement blocks? last i checked, oklahoma wasn’t a mafia state. or maybe it is and i’m living in denial.
gorillabuns’s last blog post..best intentions