Wanted: Professional Top Spinner

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Just in case you haven’t been pummeled with daily reminders, we’re in a recession. Last month’s unemployment rate soared to 8.5%, the highest level since 1983. I’m fairly confident my most pressing issue in ’83 was choreographing dances to Duran Duran’s “Rio” in my backyard.

Here at whoorl.com, we would like to help spark the economy by adding a very special job to the employment pool.

Job Description: Professional Top Spinner

Duties and Responsibilities: Spinning assorted tops for 40 hours/week in order to satisfy a top-obsessed toddler.

Requirements:

  • Must be a proficient top spinner. All mediocre top-spinning attempts will be rejected by toddler. Top must spin evenly, with absolutely no wobbling or shaking.
  • Must be level-headed. If top-spinning is not to toddler’s liking, the occasional use of insults in an annoyingly-verbose-for-a-toddler manner can be expected. (Examples are “What’s a matter with you, silly goose?”, “That’s not how a top spins!”, “Why are you such a silly spinner?” and the kicker, “You are funny to me with that spinning.”)
  • Must quickly adapt to the toddler-created Top-Spinning Rules. For instance, if you are spinning a group of stacking tops, you must stack them perfectly and in order of color. However, if you are playing with a singular/non-stacking top, you MUST NOT EVER spin two tops at the same time. This will cause a Toddler Meltdown of Biblical Proportions.
  • While spinning tops, you must sing this song that I created for optimal top-spinning enjoyment:

(To the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle)

Spinning, spinning, spinning top
How I think your colors pop
Spinning round and round and round
You spin away but will be found
Spinning, spinning, spinning top
How I think your colors pop

(If anyone is looking for a genius lyricist, I am currently accepting offers of employment myself.)

Salary is negotiable. Please send your resumes to the Whoorl HR Department.



COMMENTS (16)

Comments

  1. Lyndsay says:

    That sounds like Hank and his Hot Wheels. There are all these rules for playing with them that I, possessing a vagina, do not understand. Daddy seems to naturally get that you don’t put a VW bus Hot Wheel down the raceway without facing a meltdown of biblical proportions. Soor-eeeeee!

  2. What’s the benefit situation for this position? Salary? I already know the kid likes me but still. I need more details before I pack up and move 3,000 miles away.

  3. I am a top rated top spinner. Unfortunately I am already employed by a two year old who is quite a slave driver when it comes to spinning tops and I don’t think I can get out of my contract.

    Rio was great to dance to, but we really preferred “Hungry like a Wolf” for our backyard dances. If memory serves me right these dances also involved chairs, apparently we had a babysitter that had let us watch “Flashdance”.

  4. am'ti b says:

    funny you should write about the tops. i remember when wito was habibi’s age and he loved for y’all to spin the bowls, well just last night habibi became very interested in all things that spin. sorry i am employed as well!

  5. Love the song. Similar to the one I sing to my daughter using the same tune, “Silly, Funny, Little Gabbie, I think you are not too shabby”.

    I’m especially good with lyrics on very little sleep, if you couldn’t tell.

  6. Does he only prefer finger-spun tops, or do string-pulls count as well? What about an adjunct positions as a yo-yoer? My dad was some kinda crazy yo-yo champ as a kid (marched in a parade, yo), and the apple didn’t fall all that far…

    Oh, and for genius lyrics, go check out Metalia’s Twilight: The Musical… we’ve all been busy with that one. ;)

  7. Good grief, this gave me such a laugh. We have a top free home because I’m bad at repetitive motion.

  8. You are funny to me with your writing.

    I love your kid. If I lived closer, I would so take you up on this.

  9. If I got to hang out with my beloved Wito? I’d be tempted to take his smack talkin’.

  10. You are funny to me with your blogging! ;-)

  11. tutugirl1345 says:

    Given the economy, I would definitely expect to receive resumes :)

  12. I would probably apply for this, but I seem to recall you don’t have a/c in your house. I’m a Texan, therefore I NEED my a/c.

  13. I would apply but alas, I am on the other side of the country.

  14. this cracked me up. any chance bonuses come in the form of j. crew gift cards?

  15. My 3 year old niece will tell you I suck at spinning tops. Mainly I just refuse to spin anything that plays a damn song. But, you may consider posting this in Oregon. Our unemployment rate has topped 10%.

  16. Please pretty please post a video of Wito spinning tops. He is so adorable.