A Downer of a Candy Drawer



Dear Dad,

I know my trip home was completely last-minute and that you have had an extremely full plate with the new house. (Which is absolutely beautiful, by the way. Wowza.)

However, I am a little disappointed in the candy drawer.

I know what you are thinking, dad – people would kill for that candy drawer! Look at the diversity in flavor and sugar content! Yes, you probably are right…but where are the Chick-o-Sticks? The Blow Pops? The Sour Patch Kids? Do you expect me to have my usual gut-ripping stomachaches from eating a Hershey bar? I need the fake sugar chemical stuff! I need familiarity! I am having an emotional crisis!

Where is the LOOOOOOVE, man?


Your Loving Daughter

p.s. – The Starbursts are stale.



  1. bishOp stu tu says:

    whOOrl gOOrl,

    There are candy-less children all over the whirled…think of them…so hush my dearest, and eat the candy.

    ‘sides itsa’ GREAT RECESSION damnit. and you should be thankful for one hershey kiss…

    And I used to walk ten miles to school too.

    yo dad

  2. Actually, The pink Starbursts and the Twizzlers taste pretty good. Working on the Hershey’s Nuggets next…

    I may have been too harsh, father, as I feel the familiar rumble in my tummy. The world is right again.

    Forgive me.

  3. Tell dad to put some fruit flavored tootsie rolls in there. Of course they won’t stay in there very long as they are like crack. And also like Starbursts. But the shape is better in my mouth.

    Also? Cherry Sours FTW!

  4. Carissa, my father did not know about the fruit-flavored tootsie rolls. He is very intrigued, and thanks you for opening his mind to new candy experiences.

  5. BLAH! Licorice candy! What about sour lemondrops instead? :)

  6. To be fair, the lemondrops were right behind the licorice candy.

  7. tutugirl1345 says:

    Be grateful, my parents don’t allow candy in the house at all. And the sodas are still in a locked cabinet.

  8. I think your father and you should stroll the aisles of a Walmart-like store (with Dad’s wallet of course) and you can kill two birds with one stone – a candy instruction tutorial AND a shopping trip!

  9. who puts gum in a candy drawer? gum doesn’t make your ass bigger, therefore it has no place in a candy drawer.

  10. I’d kill for that butterfinger right now.

  11. No Sour Patch Kids? THE HORROR.

    Our sour cherries or berries? My heart hurts for you.


    Seriously. Thought I was the only one.

    I believe my exact words to my father were, “Where are the FUCKING Chick-o-Sticks?”

    I’m classy like that.

  13. One word: YUM. I’d be ripping into that Butterfinger FIRST THING.

  14. Miguelina says:


    Wito had his first Kit Kat yesterday. He wasn’t very enthused…what is WRONG with him??

  15. Candy: my favorite topic. My votes for the candy drawer: (1) Haribo gummi bears (2) sour watermelons (3) jelly bellies (4) hot tamales (5) brach’s neopolitan (6) Hershey’s Bliss (7) Chocolate tootsie roll pops (8) Mike and Ikes. My teeth hurt a little just thinking about the potential cavities.

  16. i would be all over that butterfinger.

  17. Your dad rocks! We never had a candy drawer at my house but this makes me think I should implement one for my kid. He’s only two though, so I would end up eating all the candy and that would probably not be so great.

  18. What a cool dad! That’s the best stocked candy drawer I’ve ever seen!

  19. I know this post is about candy and it is unlike me to not take an opportunity to talk about candy but I just wanted to say that I hope you are okay and all with the last minute trip and the emotional crisis.


  20. Haribo gummy bears and peach rings are definitely missing.

  21. A candy drawer? I didn’t know anyone had one. Kind of blows my mind. Junk drawer, yes. Candy drawer?

  22. um, if you don’t want it…i’ll be happy to take it off your hands :)

  23. Tracy H says:

    Chick-o-sticks are the bomb! I, too thought I was the only one that loved them.

  24. A little story about chic-o-sticks. My best friend and I used to eat them as if they were going out of style! We loved them. Well, when I was a junior and she was a senior in high school, she thought she was pregnant. We went to planned parenthood and she took a test. She had to give a password so that she could call and get her results. Her password was… you guessed it, CHIC-O-STICK. She stopped eating them for a while after she found out she was pregnant. She was a little devastated and couldn’t stand to even look at a chic-o-stick. Luckily for us all, her son Charles is a wonderful young man. HE LOVES CHIC-O-STICKS!!

  25. I bet I could eat that entire bag of Twizzlers right now. Le sigh.

    Hope the emotional crisis resolves itself/is resolved. They are No Fun.

  26. A candy drawer? This is brilliant! When I have bigger kitchen with more than just 2 drawers, for sure I’ll have a candy drawer! Although I have a feeling mine will be empty all the time.

  27. That’s a bad candy drawer? My god, what have I been missing out on?? Oh, and Starburst. Yum. How long does it take for Starburst to go stale?

  28. I just had a flashback to my grandma’s house, and her “kid cabinet” loaded with everything only kids can eat because if anyone else tries it’s an extra hour and a half at the gym. Or you know, not.

    (She used to have something in there called “Potato skins” and they were AMAZING. Not chips and not crackers, but crack-laden potato skins. Mmm, mmm.)

  29. I was thinking, when I saw that photo, that it was the BEST! CANDY! DRAWER! EVER! Only because I love Twizzlers and Starburst. I could live without chocolate, but I love me some fruity candy.

    But then you said the Starburst were stale and I died a little on the inside.

  30. Love the Trident! Haha!

  31. OK, so this is in response to your twitter post about a sound machine, but as I don’t have one of those, I’m commenting here.

    This thing may not be the most aesthetically pleasing device ever created, but it works well, and the sound is really nice. Everyone in my family has used them for years . Anyway, I grew up using this particular brand, and they last FOREVER. Like, I think my grandparents have one from the seventies, I shit you not. So, check it out.