21

Haiku #2

Oh, this week was chock full of fun. Enjoy.

ER 1 am
Oh stomach issues, why do
you make my life suck?

After six hours of
CAT scans/ ultrasounds, it’s not
appendicitis

Now I must dabble
in the world of stool samples
I think I might hork

What you are telling
me is that I need to shit
in that plastic cup?

And put it in the
freezer? Should I place it next
to the chicken strips?

My pants are falling
off my hips, this girl needs some
down-home good cooking

Heather B, our phone
conversation was a mere
glimpse at my mania

Am I Bea Arthur?
Sis called me geriatric
while at Bloomingdales

Are these underwear
granny panties? Am I not
bringing sexy back?

Well, her sales pitch worked
I now own the Cadillac
of thongs
, lots of them

I could not decide
amidst the pretty colors
so I bought a lot

Whoa, is that a breeze
on my ass cheeks? Awkward, yo
Husband sure likes them

Mind has certainly
been in the gutter lately
Maybe it’s the thongs?

If you think some blogs
are sellouts, then quit fucking
reading them, simple

The best mascara
is sitting on drugstore shelves
LashExact, trust me

And no, I was not
compensated to say that
Peace be with you

I mentioned before
The Carpenters make me cringe
My personal hell

If I hear one more
Carpenters Christmas song, I
will off myself soon

It’s confession time
I enjoy writing haikus
Have a great weekend!

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21 Comments
  • the sassy kathy

    December 12, 2008 at 11:49 am

    teehee. awesome. love the haikus. sometimes short and sweet is all you need.

    (hope the stomach issues improve :/ eek!)

  • abbersnail

    December 12, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Those underoos are super cute. I’m realizing it might be time to “upgrade” that genre of my wardrobe. Good times.

  • Rachel

    December 12, 2008 at 12:24 pm

    I hope those aren’t considered granny panties! Those are from Gap Body, right? I love those. But I also own The Cadillac of Thongs, too, so I guess it balances out.

  • Kerri Anne

    December 12, 2008 at 12:30 pm

    Any mascara
    endorsed by you and Drew must
    be rad. I am sold.

    I like to win things.
    Especially from my friends.
    Giveaways? Yes, please.

    We made biscuits and
    gravy last night: dinner for
    breakfast. Long run time.

  • Kaleigha

    December 12, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    That is my very favorite mascara ever. And I am GLAD Your stomch is better. There is nothing worse. Well, probably some things, but it sucks!

  • Ariel

    December 12, 2008 at 2:26 pm

    I’m glad someone else isn’t a fan of the Carpenters. Cause every time I’ve ever mentioned I don’t care for them I get dirty looks.
    Every mascara I’ve tried for the last year makes my eyes itch. Will this mascara help with that?

  • Jora

    December 12, 2008 at 2:32 pm

    LOVE the hanky pankys!

  • Mary

    December 12, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    While I haven’t heard that sales pitch, I bought my first Hanky Panky thong two years ago and haven’t bought any other brand since. As a longtime thong-wearer, I can wholeheartedly state that they are the best.

    Also…as far as stool samples go, I hope you don’t need this new procedure (also recently featured on Grey’s Anatomy): http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/health/31234449.html?elr=KArksUUUU

  • andrea

    December 12, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    Loving the Friday Haiku’s.

    Long ago when there was something called sexy in my life I wore Hanky Panky’s, they are the best!

    Once after a trip to Mexico I had a stomach ailment and had to do the stool samples. The worst part for me was leaving them in a box outside the Dr. office door for someone else to come and pick up. It just felt like my shit shouldn’t spend that much time traveling around, just weird.

  • ali

    December 12, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    while i like the cadillac of thongs (oh yes, i do!) i am partial to victoria’s secret v-strings…or nothing at all!

  • regan

    December 12, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    I love LashExact. My Target has a “holiday gift” 2 packs right now, for a decent price. You should go stock up so I’m not the only one hording it.

  • whoorl

    December 12, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    Dude, I’m there. Beauty Horders unite!

  • Momo Fali

    December 12, 2008 at 5:09 pm

    Holy crap. I’m totally geriatric.

  • Jennifer

    December 12, 2008 at 6:26 pm

    I am SO not trying to freak you out, but a friend of mine had the exact same gastrointestinal issues and it was determined he’d picked up some parasite from a cloud of fecal mist on the subway and that there was NOTHING THAT COULD BE DONE to rid him of it. it was just something that had to work its way out of his system.

    Merry Christmas!

    (seriously, I hope you feel better soon!)

  • alison

    December 12, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    oh my god, i love lashexact so much. every single makeup artist i know seems to love great lash, but i never really thought it was that great. then a friend recommended lashexact and for the first time in my life i actually bought a mascara more than once. i will definitely be heading to target this weekend…

  • Rachel

    December 12, 2008 at 6:48 pm

    I’m in my early thirties and had never heard of Hanky Panky thongs either. Then again, I don’t really have, uh, a thong-friendly figure. But it’s good to where to go if that changes!

  • cartoongoddess

    December 12, 2008 at 7:50 pm

    Sorry to hear about your tummy troubles, but that is one of the funniest haikus I have read in a while.

    Thanks!

  • Courtney

    December 12, 2008 at 10:07 pm

    The haiku’s crack me up. Thongs are comfortable, if a bit breezy. :)

  • Miss Virginia

    December 13, 2008 at 8:38 am

    I love hanky panky’s. Try the middle rise ones w/ the, um, cotton underpart. You’ll love em!

  • Angella

    December 13, 2008 at 9:31 am

    LashExact, you say?
    You ARE the queen of products
    And beauty advice

    I have been loving
    ColossalVolumExpress
    But will check it out

    I agree with you
    The Carpernters should be banned
    They’re of the debbil

  • Carrie

    December 14, 2008 at 6:03 pm

    Your many haikus
    Fun to read, and inspire
    the poet in me

    Thanks!