Pardon the Mess

Hi. Did you miss me?

Turns out I had a slightly larger bandwidth issue than I originally presumed. Like upgraded my entire account to a more expensive plan only to find out that it wasn’t enough either kind of issues. So on top of returning to work and leaving my precious baby, I spent mucho evening hours involved in email conversations such as this:

Whoorl: Why is my site down when I just upgraded it?
Host: Your site has exceeded bandwidth.
Whoorl: I know this. But I upgraded like you told me to.
Host: Yes, but you are currently exceeding that plan as well. You must upgrade again.
Whoorl: I don’t understand. Why are you bleeding me dry?
Host: You have exceeded your bandwidth. Gimme your money, beaatch.
Host: Okie dokie.
Whoorl: By the way, what’s bandwidth?
Whoorl: Hello? Anyone there?


But let’s get to the nitty gritty. How was my first week back to work, you ask? Well, it was severely traumatizing. Like gut-wrenching, agonizing and horribly HORRIBLY wrong.

Oh, leaving Wito was fine, but people. PEOPLE. Do you know what it’s like trying to shove your post-partum ass into a size 2 suit? It’s not fun and frankly, not for the weak in spirit. Can we all say “muffin top” in unison?

Yet every morning, I try to fit into these suits. Like somehow, magically overnight, my hips and gut have resumed pre-pregnancy shape and TA-DAAHHHH, my suits fit again.

This is not the case. And total bullshit.

And what’s up with all this “Oh, the pounds will just MELT off when your breastfeeding!” More bullshit, people. I just read your body has to keep an extra 5-10 pounds on while breastfeeding to help create the milk.

I have 6 pounds left, and they seem perfectly content hanging out on my frame forever and ever. And frankly, even if I lost 20 pounds, my clothes wouldn’t fit due to my new motherly shape. D says I got me some curves.

Curves, my ass. Literally. I walk around all day just hoping and praying the weakening-by-the-minute seam down the back of my pants won’t bust and unleash the overflowing dam of ass on some unsuspecting bystander.

Today, I crammed into a pair of pants and immediately had to unbutton them while driving to work. Swell. In addition to the trillion things I have to prepare before my sales calls, I have to add Button Pants to the list.

Sales Binder? Check.
Proper amount of pharmaceuticals in bag? Check.
Pens, Pads, endless corporate branding? Check.
Physician sample forms? Check.
Pants buttoned and zipped? Motherfucking check. And ouch.

  • Jora

    December 1, 2006 at 6:45 am

    I was beginning to worry about you! Yes, you were missed. I’m sure you will have lots of posts saying so today… My Ob-gyn told me it takes 9 months for your body to expand and 9 months for it to go back. Everyone basically goes back to what they were before (well, sorta…)

  • nabbalicious

    December 1, 2006 at 6:51 am

    At least you have an excuse for YOUR muffin tops.

    I feel your pain, though!

  • Jessie

    December 1, 2006 at 6:53 am

    I’m so glad you’re back! How is the nanny working out? Sounds like other than the suit issues things are going well.

  • Mary O

    December 1, 2006 at 7:04 am

    I KNOW. The pregnancy pounds didn’t melt off of me from breastfeeding either. Such a dissappointment. But you were missed! So glad you’re back!

  • Sadie

    December 1, 2006 at 7:06 am

    See, it’s not stretchmarks, or the vaginal birth, or the sleep-deprivation, or even the heart-wrenching sadness of leaving your infant that scare me about motherhood – it’s THIS kind of shit. Like, what if my feet get bigger and I can’t wear my thousands of dollars’ worth of gorgeous shoes?? What if my already ample hips get WIDER and I can’t fit into any of my tailored work clothes? What then, internet??

  • Heather

    December 1, 2006 at 7:33 am

    Yes, I did miss you! Glad your back and hopefully your prob is solved.

  • Margaret Ann

    December 1, 2006 at 7:33 am

    I’m sporting the muffin top here in the frigid midwest too. I feel your pain. Hang in there!

  • ms. sizzle

    December 1, 2006 at 8:00 am

    what the hell IS bandwith? ;)

    i know it must be frustrating to not have your clothes fit you properly but you do realize that you are gorgeous, right?

    ok, good.

  • Emilie

    December 1, 2006 at 8:14 am

    You are adorable, and your site is great, and I am sure it’s annoying not to fit into your old clothes… but I would have been able to commiserate with you a lot more if you hadn’t included the “size two” part!

  • Kiki

    December 1, 2006 at 8:15 am

    WHOORL! Thank goodness. I was beginning to think we’d never “see” you again!

    About the pants and the muffin top and the unbuttoning- honey, I be sittin’ at my desk right now with my pants unbuttoned- no baby, no pregnancy weight- just ice cream, beer and cheese burgers. Argh!

  • rebecca

    December 1, 2006 at 8:21 am

    I’m feeling your pain… even though Evan is now 19 months. I think I’m back to my normal weight, but not everything went exactly back where it belonged, if you get my drift. I’m afraid the muffin toppery may be here to stay (for me at least).

    Anyway, glad you’re back. But you already knew I missed you. :)

  • lini

    December 1, 2006 at 8:42 am

    We speak many times a day, but I am so glad you are back-you make me laugh out loud!

  • cocodrie

    December 1, 2006 at 9:01 am

    Yay! You’re back!

  • Amanda

    December 1, 2006 at 10:09 am

    Maybe you could splurge on a size 4 pair of pants to be more comfy for now, then as you lose weight they’ll get looser and you’ll feel great about yourself.
    Also, I can’t believe that a size 4 is your upgrade size!
    Glad you’re back, Whoorl.

  • Anne Glamore

    December 1, 2006 at 10:38 am

    You CAN shrink back down, but stuff goes in different places. Except your feet. Mine grew, and never got smaller. I cried when I gave all my 8.5’s to my littlest sister!

  • Rachel

    December 1, 2006 at 10:52 am

    Snort. One of my legs might fit into a size 2. I’m happy enough that the first digit of mt pants size is a 1!!

  • Wacky Mommy

    December 1, 2006 at 11:43 am

    Welcome back! And welcome to your new womanly bod.

  • Sarah

    December 1, 2006 at 12:43 pm

    I completely empathize…or did. I, too, wanted to bash myself in the head for believing all those ignoramuses who repeated verbatim, that by breastfeeding my pregancy pounds would melt off. I had all my cool jeans in a bag waiting to be taken to goodwill for months, BUT, just last week, I tried them on again, and they fit… comfortably! My baby will be 1 in a few weeks, and I am finally back to my pre-pregnancy bod – sorta. There is hope. No, I am not working out, but I also don’t have a lot of time to eat with work and carrying for an attention craving monkey. Bonus – lots of lifting that 20 pound nugget are giving my arms definition that they never had before :)

  • BeachMama

    December 1, 2006 at 1:37 pm

    Glad to have you back! Was wondering how the first week was going. Sorry about the clothing thing. I keep telling myself that my bones didn’t shift and one day I will fit them again… still waiting….

  • Darren

    December 1, 2006 at 7:03 am

    Whee! You’re back!

  • Lyndsay

    December 1, 2006 at 1:07 pm

    Yay! I missed you! Keep in mind – your bones literally shifted. Cut yourself some slack.

  • Mrs. S

    December 1, 2006 at 8:18 pm

    You are SO AWESOME!! I love your blog. LOVE LOVE LOVE!!

    And I’m glad that the pants issue was more traumatizing than the leaving the baby issue… at least the pants issue gets better mostly on it’s own :D

  • Angella

    December 2, 2006 at 8:05 am

    Glad you’re back…you crack me up! And I always hold onto 5-10 pounds while breastfeeding :(

    I don’t know what bandwidth is either…

  • irish mistery

    December 2, 2006 at 8:39 am

    Another thing ‘they’ don’t tell you is that even when you lose all the baby weight-your body will still be different…welcome to motherhood! Hang in there with work..

  • lei

    December 2, 2006 at 10:07 am

    i’m totally with you on the postpartum muffin top. not. cute.

  • biglug

    December 5, 2006 at 6:10 am

    I don’t remember how I came across your site, but I am pregnant and due in April and really enjoy reading your blog! Good luck with fitting in your pants, I fear the day my pants stop being made of elastic.

  • R*belle

    December 5, 2006 at 9:37 pm

    I use esosoft and they don’t have limitations on bandwidth.

  • Bree

    January 3, 2007 at 12:39 pm

    Wow…I am six months pregnant with my first, and I just stupidly tried to put on my prepregnancy size 3 jeans. The jeans laughed at me. Reading all this is scary…maybe I’ll stop after this one is born…