Off to a Great Start

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope you are enjoying your day. Lord knows I am!

Really, how could you NOT revel in a glorious sunny day with a comment like, “Your Attitude Is Piss-Poor and You’re Not Going To Get Away with your Bullshit” from the dear ol’ husband. Truly folks, nothing starts my day off better than being spoken to in such a manner. I get all warm and tingly just thinking about it!

Good times in the Whoorl household.

Look! I even drew you a diagram.


Let me take a few steps back. I awoke this morning at 7:30am to the little guy crying for breakfast. I had fed him at 4:00am, so it was definitely time to eat. My husband got up and offered to feed him a bottle, which I thought was very thoughtful considering I had done the previous feeding.

My head hit the pillow and I sighed a breath of relief…1 more hour of sleep. 5 minutes later, Wito was crying again. I assumed D was warming the bottle and would pop into his room to give him a pacifier. Well, we all know what assumptions make out of us. A couple of fussy minutes later, I cursed to myself, got up and trudged into Wito’s room. The strong (and HUNGRY) guy had broken free from his swaddle and was generally displeased that he could move his feet around, but not his arms. I quickly removed the swaddle, popped the pacifier in and got back into bed. 5-10 minutes later, he started crying again (um yes, STILL HUNGRY) and I lay there thinking, “Why hasn’t D fed him yet? It only takes 5 minutes to warm a bottle and it’s been longer than that…Oh my God, if I have to get up again I WILL CUT OFF HIS BALLS.” D’s balls of course, not precious little Wito’s kahunas!

Annnnd some more fussing.

What. the. fuck.

I threw off the covers, stormed out of bed and stomped out of the bedroom, where I proceeded to stub the living shit out of my toe. Not good, people. Not good.

And do you know where D was during this time?

Rearranging the living room furniture.

People who know D personally are laughing hysterically right now.

Yes, rearranging the furniture. Because you know, THAT takes top priority when your son is crying and your wife is trying to sleep.

I have come to the realization that my husband is living on another planet or trying his hardest to make me run for the hills. And when I informed him of my new realization during our lovely heated discussion at earth-shattering decibels (oh yes, in front of the precious baby who just stared at us, completely confused- if that isn’t sad I don’t know what is), he informed me that I was:

1) Over-dramatic for being pissed that I couldn’t sleep
2) Trying to act like my daily life of caring for a baby is soooo tough, when clearly it isn’t (um yeah, HE. SAID. THAT.)
3) Had a piss-poor attitude
4) Full of shit

And the kicker. Drumroll please. “You better shape up your attitude before I get home.”

EXCUSE ME? Apparently, not only am I all of the above, I guess I’m four years old.

So I did what any self-respecting mother would do, told him to fuck off, wrapped my bloody carcass of a toe in a band-aid and drove to Target to buy pacifiers and mascara.

It’s going to be a great day.

  • Becky

    October 23, 2006 at 12:52 pm

    Um, yeah. Sounds like you’re having a good one.

    I hope D has made a mental note of the fact that nothing pisses a woman off more than being told that taking care of the kid(s) is an easy job.

    Damn. He’s lucky those balls are still attached and not sitting in a jar somewhere.

  • Rachel

    October 23, 2006 at 1:16 pm

    DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN. I hope D was drunk or high or SOMETHING to warrant that. Because in my house, that sort of comment will get a man killllled.

    You sound like you need some cookies.

  • BeachMama

    October 23, 2006 at 1:29 pm

    Wow, was he drunk? I do have to say though that you are not alone. Almost everyone I know, including myself, has had the exact same conversation with their Hubby somewhere in the beginning of parenthood. It takes a while for the guys to clue in to how hard our jobs really are. Then, one day when you tell them how hurt you were during the conversation, he won’t remember even saying it. Trust me on that one.

    I do hope your day is getting a bit better :)

  • Another Idiot Husband

    October 23, 2006 at 2:17 pm

    I’d like to comment from a husband’s perspective, because we have to keep this fair. And as it turns out, I am a husband that performed an eerily similar tirade only yesterday afternoon.
    First off, although it may seem like it, no, we husbands are not drunk or high during these moments, that would be an easy excuse and a much easier apology process.
    See, the reason that we go off like that sometimes is… the pressure we’re under is…well, I mean, it’s a lot of work to…and it’s hard to be…baby’s cry really loud and…umm…
    Yeah. He was drunk at the time. And so was I yesterday afternoon. Sorry honey.

  • Mrs. S

    October 23, 2006 at 2:21 pm

    Um… wow and holy crap that sucks!

    He does, of course, realize that you’re a blogger, and that you’d blog about the things he said, and that he has now incurred the wrath of most of the internet?

    Mmmkay. Just checking.

  • Sadie

    October 23, 2006 at 2:28 pm

    God, I wish men could lactate, so that women could leave them to care for a squalling infant for days on end, while we flitted around like butterflies, coming and going as we pleased. The problem with these “teaching scenarios” we dream up, where we make the men responsible for everything we normally do, is that they psychologically do not compare: the men KNOW that this experiment will end in a few days. Meanwhile, the women have this gig for LIFE.

  • whoorl

    October 23, 2006 at 2:39 pm

    This is the first time I have written about a “discussion” between D an I, and YES, I do think he is quite deserving of the wrath. :)

    You all definitely know how to make a gal feel better…or maybe more pissed…no, definitely better.

  • rosie

    October 23, 2006 at 2:46 pm

    Wow that all sounds so familiar. Except we had essentially the same argument over THE DOG.

    Sounds like YOU’RE the one in need of a bottle, lady, if you know what I mean. You deserve it.

  • Neptunebaby

    October 23, 2006 at 2:54 pm

    Wow, I must say that my morning was somewhat similar in regard to the unpleasantries – although pre-baby (I am 38 weeks pregnant and we have an 8 year old son) and my husband wouldn’t dare talk to me like that unless he wanted to burn in hell for the remainder of his years. But he WAS being a lazy-ass bastard who wouldn’t get up (just one freaking time because I had a rough night) to get our son ready for school. (my husband doesn’t start work until 10 am so he thinks he should get to sleep until 9 every freaking day).

    Lazy-ass bastard + hormonal pregnant woman SO ready to not be pregnant anymore and can’t sleep at night = BIG FUCKING TROUBLE FOR LAZY-ASS BASTARD.


    By the way.. love your site.

  • anne

    October 23, 2006 at 2:55 pm

    I just love that you picked up not just pacifiers at the store, but also mascara. Nothing makes me feel better than new make-up. Way to go! :)

  • Alicat

    October 23, 2006 at 3:03 pm

    OH NO. Whoorliegirl. That just sucks.

    In no realm of the universe is it ever okay to say those things and to talk to you in such a manner.

    *hiking my leg to kick some you-know-whats*

    I hope you feel better soon girl.

  • reluctant housewife

    October 23, 2006 at 3:06 pm

    We’ve had the exact same argument.

    My H gets mad if we wake him up on the weekend because it is the “only” time he gets to sleep in.

    My theory is that it takes men a little longer to realize that once you have kid sleeping until 8 am is sleeping in.

    Hope you did some damage at Target.

  • Beth

    October 23, 2006 at 4:18 pm

    Zowie. I read your post and I made the wide-eyed-O-mouthed face that Eddie Murphy used to make on SNL during “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood” skits.

    I’m a fan of Lash Exact that Queen Latifah is hawking these days. The rubbery brush really does work better than traditional mascara brushes. Just a little tip for any future necessary mascara-buying sprees.

  • jonniker

    October 23, 2006 at 4:42 pm

    Um. Oh my God? I’d throttle him, and dude, yes, you were deserving of whatever you got at Target (wine? Box of wine? CRATE OF WINE IF ONLY YOU WEREN’T BREASTFEEDING OH MY GOD?)

    I know this isn’t reflective of D all the time, lest he read this and think we’re all a bunch of lynch-happy bitches, but this was an egregious error, dude. Argh.

  • Amanda

    October 23, 2006 at 5:13 pm

    Sometimes husbands are thoughtless. And SOMETIMES husbands realize the err of their ways, buy their wife some chocolate and offer to babysit while they insist their wife goes shopping for new clothes and also, sometimes husbands grovel and beg for forgiveness while giving their wife a full body massage with no expectation of sex afterwards.
    Take a hint, D, and start making up for your boo boo. :)

  • Jennifer

    October 23, 2006 at 5:22 pm

    WOAH. Guess you got a talkin’ to young lady. OUCH. Your diagram killed me. I’m assuming that your dear husband is usually a good guy our you wouldn’t have made a child with him so I won’t stoke the fire by saying what I really think of his comments.

    I really lucked out when we had our first baby because my husband was working from home at the time and saw the madness that babies created throughout the day. By the time we got our baby in bed for the night he was just as bug eyed as I was, trying to figure out what the hell had happened to us during the day.

    I hope you guys have made up by now and are both enjoying a non crying lil baby boy’s antics.

  • sbmeepers

    October 23, 2006 at 6:08 pm

    Where exactly did you say you want the hitman, I mean, wine, sent to?

    Reason #23 that as absurdly adorable as some babies are, (cough, Anders, cough, Emily’s baby, Leta from Dooce) I cannot have one: I would go to prison for Murder with a blunt object after my husband gave me that little speech.

    Hopefully he will realize the Error of His Ways soon and get it together. Gahhhd!

  • kris

    October 23, 2006 at 7:25 pm

    On days like this you are always welcome at my pad for wine, hairballs and Duraflame logs. Sorry, you. Chin up for tomorrow.

  • Heidi

    October 23, 2006 at 7:41 pm

    Your diagram is hysterical!

    The first six months after my son was born, I swear my husband and I had very similiar arguements (over and over again). In fact, I think we fought more at that time then ever in our relationship. It was due to 1) lack of sleep and 2) his total denial that the party was 99% over (I’m leaving out 1% for those rare nights we actually can get out now).

    He’s a changed man now (mostly).

  • MamaBear

    October 23, 2006 at 2:18 pm

    The ONLY thing that will EVER make fathers realize how much work taking care of a baby really is, is to leave them all alone (no grandmas, SILs, babysitters, no one) to help with the baby for several days. AND expect them to do all the things you normally do on top of that.

    My hubby was home with the baby for 2 months in the summer. AND i took the baby from him when I got home from work, it was his free time. When I was on maternity leave, he’d briefly entertain the baby when he got home but then got back to his things like homework, etc.
    Boy did he learn to respect the job!

    I can’t believe he left the baby to cry like that. There is no way I could ever do that (unless I knew the baby was fed, changed, comfortable, cuddled and was just plain old throwing a fit, and even then, not for too long).

    We have chosen our sleep-in days ahead of time – I know on Saturdays I get up in the morning and he sleeps in. But on Sundays – I sleep in and he gets up. I make sure the night before he has a really loud baby monitor next to him though and I sleep elsewhere – on the couch normally.

    I guess yelling doesn’t resolve things (and can have your toes pretty banged up- ouch!) so maybe you can arrange ahead of time who’s getting up and make it clear (although you shouldn’t have to!) that the baby shouldn’t cry for longer then say… 1 minute?

  • Lyndsay

    October 23, 2006 at 6:35 pm

    I have NEVER read about a conversation between you and your hubby getting heated. The only thing that comes to mind is the “How did THAT happen?” conversation. You had every right to be outraged. I hope some major apologizing and ass-kissing went on after he got home from work. If not, you need creative revenge tactics.

  • trish

    October 24, 2006 at 1:53 am

    my hubby’s been there, done that, and bought the chocolates to apologize. Seriously I think it takes them a long time to realize how much work babies are. for both parents.

  • Jessie

    October 24, 2006 at 4:59 am

    Eek! That does not sound like a good day in the making. Also like maybe you need to get a babysitter for a day and take D on a relaxing date day. It seems that you may both need it.

  • Colleen in Toronto

    October 24, 2006 at 6:37 am

    Are you sure D wasn’t sleep walking/furniture moving or something? I mean seriously, NO MAN no matter how stunned he is would say

    A)being a stay at home mom isn’t work
    B)shape up your attitude before I get home

    Perhaps it’s time for Mom to have a girls night out which involves coming home the NEXT afternoon to show D just how much work staying with a newborn full time isn’t!!!!

  • eM

    October 24, 2006 at 6:52 am

    Ouch! Yeah, that’s uncalled for. When Ellie-bear was around 2 months old or so, the hubby and I had a few yelling bouts that were certainly nothing we’re proud of. The blissful glee has worn off a bit at that point and the reality of an adorable and very demanding foreign exchange student with a seriously short tempter living in your home has set in. It’s stressy as hell and sometimes people snap.

    Granted he’d better get his ass in gear and apologize in a very major way, but if he’s usually a pretty swell guy and this doesn’t happen often, I’d chalk it up to sleep-deprived lameness. Unless of course he doesn’t wake up to help with the baby most nights and isn’t getting sleep right along with you. Then kick him in the nads!

  • Heather

    October 24, 2006 at 7:12 am

    You should have just kicked his ass right then and there!!!!!!

  • guinness girl

    October 24, 2006 at 7:23 am

    Oh. my. GOD. This is the sort of story that makes me really worried that whenever Wilman and I have babies, I’ll be stuck suffering and he’ll toodle about life as always. Growl! I hope you kicked your husband’s ass.

    I’m sorry, Whoorl. Hugs!

  • Lin

    October 24, 2006 at 7:43 am

    I do know that I don’t know one man who can effectively multi-task and also that they lack the prioritizing gene.

  • Serenity Now

    October 24, 2006 at 7:50 am

    I hope the damage at Target fixed your toe and your attitude, young lady…

    Grrr…. Hate when husbands are idiots.

  • Athena

    October 24, 2006 at 8:58 am

    Men are such fools! They have assholes for mouths! Shit spews forth! I have a plan: it’s Tuesday….that leaves you four days to make an appointment for a facial, mani, pedi, and/or massage. Then lunch with a girlfriend, all sans bebe. Leave Anders with D! For the weekend! Spend the night Saturday at a girlfriend’s house, come back Sunday afternoon! Make sure to leave the fridge empty, except for baby stuff. Then let’s just see what D has to say. A little bit of medicine will go a long way with this one, methinks. Women are SO underrated! Hang in there, chica!

  • amy

    October 24, 2006 at 9:18 am

    i am pretty sure you need that if he had to wake up every 3 hours and loose precious much needed sleep he might have the same attitude and therefore you might need to just take a little mommy hiatus and go away for 48 hours and see what kind of mood he is in when you return! well but then of course…you can’t just leave precious angel baby to rearranging furniture daddy…

  • D

    October 24, 2006 at 9:43 am

    it’s a better day today. i’m happy to know online rant/counseling works… entertaining nonetheless! i’ll pick up the bill for all—-to whom shall i make the check payable?

  • Donovan

    October 24, 2006 at 10:43 am

    Nice recovery D. No need for details, any recovery done within 24 hours is a job well done.

  • rebecca

    October 24, 2006 at 10:44 am

    DUDE. I am outraged on your behalf whoorl! He better be coming home with some kind of expensive present tonight, bestowed upon you on bended knee while apologizing profusely.

  • lainey

    October 24, 2006 at 10:55 am

    Grrrr…..I’m fuming for you!

  • Ceece

    October 24, 2006 at 1:02 pm

    clearly the man was sleepwalking/talking otherwise you should have killed him right there.

    HOpe the day goes better and he apologizes.

  • undercover celebrity

    October 24, 2006 at 9:04 am

    Oh. My. Goodness. I am SO fired up for you.

    I think men sometimes get confused of their roles. We want them to be strong, take-charge types… right until they do it to us.

    “Shape up your attitude by the time I get home”???!!!! pretty sure my knee would have met his crotchular region followed by a, “thanks honey for the great advice, I’ll work on it.” :)

  • Leah

    October 24, 2006 at 5:06 pm

    Thank you for the diagram. It wouldn’t have been the same without it.

    (Sounds like you two are TIRED!)

  • gorillabuns

    October 24, 2006 at 5:59 pm

    sounds like rich…. my response would be, my isn’t your life hard, wine and conversation while talking about colors with insane people. suck it up and help, buddy!

    fortunately/unfortunately when you go back to work, he’ll really see all that you do and won’t be able to pull that bullshit response from his ass again. if he does, you have my permission to beat him senseless!

  • margaret ann

    October 25, 2006 at 7:33 am

    so sorry whoorl! I did have to laugh at the furniture moving though–I can relate! When it is “time for a change” C will stare at the room for hours and nothing will break his concentration. The “your job isn’t so tough” conversation is still a hotly debated topic at my house too. His post sounded contrite though ;)

  • ms. sizzle

    October 25, 2006 at 3:50 pm

    please, please tell me that he came home with his proverbial tail between his legs. because seriously? that is some f’d s**t my friend.

    i make house calls. just fyi. :)

  • Cocodrie

    October 26, 2006 at 10:43 am

    Bwaaaaaaaaahhhh. That diagram killed me. But nothing beats the “blood carcass of a toe”. Classic.

    And, yes, the thought of D being distracted by furniture rearranging did make me laugh hysterically. Your sense of humor is just spectacular. Hugs…

  • jege

    October 26, 2006 at 11:04 am

    I agree with most of the comments here.

    Leave Anders with D for a whole weekend, and he will learn exactly how demanding your job is.

  • jege

    October 26, 2006 at 11:16 am

    Me again. I’ve been obsessing about what D said to you because I have had similar arguments with my husband, also named D, and jesus fucking christ, does it piss me off!!

    First of all, I can TOTALLY hear the “tone” your D used…when my D has used it, it is as though he is channeling his mother, but with more swearing. The other day it was “WHAT have I told you about leaving wooden spoons in the sink?!!!”. I could have killed him. In fact, I did, in my mind.

    It happens every so often, with the regularity of a menstrual cycle…..men get PMS, oh yes. And it’s worse with obsessive-compulsive guys, I think. My D also “arranges” stuff, and flips out when I violate one of his arrangements.

    I’m thinking of ordering a tranquilizer gun, and shooting D whenever he gets like that. Want me to order one for you?